King of Killers

I'm Back

2005-09-26T00:56:00.000-07:00

I spent the past three weeks preparing for, moving into, and then adjusting to university life.

Having done so, I look forward to posting more funny crap here.

Kanye West's Coked-Out, Incoherent Diatribe Against Bush

2005-09-08T20:01:00.000-07:00

Kanye West has the coherence, moral authority, and intelligence of a Down's Syndrome patient abusing narcotics. They might as well have picked a drunk off the streets. Have a look;

Kanye West Link

Edit

2005-09-07T09:43:00.000-07:00

My hiatus from original writing served me well. I realized my eariler work was poor, both in terms of the subject matter's juvenile, narrow appeal as well as the literary execution itself.

For instance, I cringed upon re-reading "High School Graduation", a story that I once felt immensely proud of authoring.

I had to rewrite it, if only because the original was so bad;

http://kingofkillers.blogspot.com/2005/05/high-school-graduation.html

Pure Genius; The Bum Stories

2005-09-06T14:19:00.000-07:00

http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showthread.php?t=4250&page=1

Possessing Porn a Serious Crime in Singapore

2005-08-28T04:43:00.000-07:00

Nothing gets by these studs, not even "Playboy" or adult films;

Link

It Could Have Been Worse

2005-08-27T06:33:00.000-07:00

http://mmaufcpride.blogspot.com/

Awesome Chinese Translation for Star Wars

2005-08-26T12:11:00.000-07:00

http://www.winterson.com/2005/06/episode-iii-backstroke-of-west.html#ha

The Ultimate Fighter Season 1 Participant Assessments

2005-08-25T03:49:00.000-07:00

Now that all the fighters from “The Ultimate Fighter” season 1 have fought someone outside the show (Diego Sanchez made his UFC debut last Saturday, defeating Brian Gassoway by brutal second round knockout), it’s time to evaluate each one’s prospects at succeeding in the world of mixed martial arts.

While I believe that only two contestants have a realistic shot at winning a championship and two others have the potential to be top contenders, expect to see practically every fighter on this list hovering around MMA for at least another year or two.

I will start from the bottom (worst) and work my way up, including only the fighters that displayed some degree of merit during the series and subsequent UFC shows;

Chris Leben:

For whatever reason, I wanted to see this dyed red hair bed wetter succeed in all his matches.

With the exception of the Jason Thacker pasting, Leben disappointed me each and every single time, demonstrating a thorough inability to defeat even the most one-dimensional and limited of opponents.

In Josh Koschek, he fought a wrestler with horrible standup and mediocre submissions, a foe that was looking to take his opponent down and nothing else. I thought Chris would expose Josh’s laughable defensive stance standing up or catch him with a blow on a leg shoot.

Nope.

Against Kenny Florian, Leben faced a passive, inexperienced MMA (record of 1-1 before entering the show!) practitioner mediocre in every aspect of fighting; submissions, wrestling, and striking. However, Florian did have a tough chin and a very good elbow shot.

That was enough to open up a geyser of blood over Leben’s entire face.

In Patrick Cote, Chris fought a guy tailor-made for even the Crippler’s limited, crude attack. (Congratulations to Joe Silva, Zuffa’s matchmaker, for finding such a guy after weeks of searching) Cote had no wrestling and submission skills to speak of, standup technique and skills of the negative variety, but impressive punching power. Surely Chris would dominate such a guy, right?

Well, Chris proved he was exactly the same as Cote, and will certainly be destroyed against any half-respectable grappler or striker in the future.

Kenny Florian:

While he isn’t horrible at any part of fighting, the Boston native isn’t proficient in anything either. He can neither box, grapple, nor submit anyone who he will be fighting henceforth in the UFC. Florian is passive and seems to fight in a state of suspended animation; wait until Diego rushes me and has me on the ground before attempting any resistance.

Much of this can be attributed to his very late start in mixed martial arts and his small number of matches, all against limited competition before being on TUF. However, I doubt Kenny will get the necessary time to slowly progress, and will be thrown to the sharks much too soon.

Stephan Bonnar:

Why do I have this guy here?

Well, for one, he is one of the easiest possible fighters to sweep on the ground; Sam Hoger survived against Bonnar and even had him in serious trouble, all because of the American Psycho’s inability to do anything against the sweep.

By itself, this problem wouldn’t be so bad. However, despite being a Golden Gloves champ, Bonnar’s standup striking is shockingly poor. It’s questionable if he even beat Bobby Southworth in this regard.

While Bonnar is one tough son-of-a-bitch with an iron chin and demonstrated impressive ability to escape submission against both Swick and Hoger, he excels in neither standup nor the ground.

Expect him to beat a lot more guys via decision before finally running into either a dangerous striker or wrestler that beats him to a pulp.

Forrest Griffin:

Griffin has some of the most polished, clean punches and knees of any fighter on The Ultimate Fighter 1 in addition to good wrestling prowess.

Griffin’s problem is that he gets hit far too easily. Even against Hoger, Forrest was absorbing high kicks that would well have knocked him out had they been thrown properly. Griffin’s fights are entertaining as hell, but that’s because he gives opponents a chance at victory through Forrest’s reckless abandonment of any semblance of defense.

Raise your hands higher, cover your chin, cover your ribs, and move around a little more!

Unlike the previous fighters, Griffin has the most correctable flaws, although I still don’t think he ever becomes a top contender.

Expect to see him in a lot of exciting, close fights against second-rate competition….like Stephen Bonnar!

Mike Swick

How could I possibly rate this guy so high? Losing to Bonnar AND Leben by stoppage?!

While I haven’t seen the Leben KO, the fight against Stephen was completely one-sided in favor of Swick, who almost got a choke and landed some flush shots before putting himself in a bad position where Bonnar executed an armbar.

However, his dismantling of the previously undefeated Alex S. and Gideon Ray was extremely impressive, as Swick showed excellent, fast, combination punching in both affairs, a quality that will carry him far against the grappler-saturated UFC middleweight division.

His failings in terms of submission defense are very correctable. Expect to see this fighter contending in the Middleweight division before too long.

Josh Koschek:

As mentioned earlier, Koschek is an excellent wrestler and little else. Were he to fight at Middleweight, he would be below Bonnar in my rankings. However, fighting in the weaker UFC Welterweight class, which has just seen the departure of Frank Trigg, and has the world’s best (BJ Penn) fighting in Pride, Josh’s future looks bright.

His wrestling style is tailor made for the vast majority of guys in this division, and I doubt anyone will expose Josh before the latter makes it to the upper echelons of the mountain.

He will be around for at least as long as Trigg, probably longer.

Nathan Quarry:

Were it not for Quarry’s advanced age (34), he would be number one on this list. Unlike every single other TUF contestant, “The Rock” has already fought very tough opposition…and won both times.

After absolutely slaughtering Lodune Sincaid in the finale of the Ultimate Fighter (lest you laugh at this, keep in mind Sincaid KO’d Trigg in auditions for the show), Quarry systematically destroyed the celebrated Shonie Carter, prior to blasting out undefeated Pete “Drago” Sell, a fighter had beaten Phil Baroni.

Quarry, while a good wrestler, (he trains for Team Quest, which has Olympic wrestling silver medallist Matt Lindland as well as Randy Couture heading its ranks) really excels standing up.

He has a stiff, solid jab, which he can back up with combinations at the appropriate moment. While Quarry’s punches are neither exceptionally fast nor as textbook as a pro boxer’s, they are still more than enough to decimate virtually anybody he will face.

Add to this Quarry’s iron chin, sterling ring movement, and footwork, which allowed Nate to dodge several murderous shots from Pete Sell and absorb a few others, and one sees a rare UFC fighter; one with excellent standup who is also immune to takedowns and submission from wrestler types.

It is worth noting that Quarry’s lone loss was via decision and occurred several years ago.

However, he is thirty-four, so he needs to make his championship push in the next few years.

Diego Sanchez:

While a little bit worse than Quarry right now, “The Nightmare” is extremely young and very capable of further improvement.

Diego is a very good wrestler, an excellent submission artist, and has an iron chin to back that up. While his punches and overall standup game are only average, that doesn’t make him a whole lot worse than many current welterweight contenders. His stamina and resilience against Josh Koschek was also very impressive, a good indicator for any tough fights Diego may have in the future.

Diego’s one problem, besides the so-so standup, are his rather risky shoots, ones that could potentially land him in trouble. Against Kenny Florian, there were several instances where if Florian had been able to kick at all from the ground, he would have knocked out Diego with a kick a la Ivan Salaverry against Joe Riggs.

Sanchez really has to watch out for this if and when he faces Georges St. Pierre, as the Canadian is absolutely lethal with his kicks and leg submissions, especially when someone attempts an over-aggressive shoot.

Nonetheless, if Diego isn’t thrown to the wolves too soon and develops his skills further, expect him to become welterweight champion, sans the return of BJ Penn to the UFC.

Update

2005-08-25T03:25:00.000-07:00

Since I enjoy discussing both basketball and mixed martial arts, two new sub-sites have been added to the links.

I will make one post about each topic here first prior to confining all further writings to their appropriate niches.

The majority of visitors here can ignore this, as they probably don’t care about either one.

This especially goes for the four different visitors who accessed this site via Yahoo! Search for “how to have sex with a horse” or the Berlin person looking up “wild crazy German sex freaks”.

Russian Print Advertisements

2005-08-22T16:34:00.000-07:00

The following are all real commercial posters for different products or services in Russia;

Massage Parlor

Tourist Excursions

Professional Photographs

Rejuvenating, Invigorating Sauna

Fancy Restaurant

Beach Resort

Intellectual Symposium, Seminar, and Conference

Another Professional Photo Studio

Romantic Moonlight Boat Rides

Enchanting Sleigh Rides

Yeah, these ads rule.

Template Change

2005-08-13T14:15:00.000-07:00

Entering several unique search queries into Yahoo! to see if this site would be listed, I instead encountered a completely different blog several times. While it matches this site in terms of anonymity, it's quite decent, especially the movie reviews.

I also recently discovered the hilarity that is Gawker. Appropriate changes have been made to the Links section.

On a related note, traffic here became temporarily respectable after I posted the horse sex story. (About fifty unique visitors per day)

Of course, it's nothing compared to the number of hits this place got from Saudi Arabia with queries of "Arab sex" when I posted this; http://kingofkillers.blogspot.com/2005/05/homosexual-israelis-thirst-for-sex.html

I love thinking of how many people reading this were expecting hardcore pornography instead.

The Online Sex Punking

2005-08-09T09:17:00.000-07:00

The set-up:

Grant is an individual who I've seen in passing twice in my entire life. Each time he was shamelessly making out with some girl.

I didn't even know her name.

Fortunately for me, Grant has a Xanga page. On his blog, Grant describes the entire relationship with the girl (Julia); the good times, the low point, and the eventual ugly break-up.

His AIM screen name was also there.

Do I even need to state what happens next?

df: Hello Grant
Planescape1: hmmm I dont recognize this username
df: Julia gave me this screen name.
df: We're presently dating.
Starscape: oh......what is it...ed?
Starscape: suffice it to say, I did not expect you to contact me

Starscape: or if you did, I expected it to be at some level of immaturity and anger from all the horrible things julia has told you
Starscape: (this has happened to me before)
df: Sorry dude.
Starscape: not a problem, you were polite...that wins points
Starcape: so whats up?
df: I just wanted to know a few things about your and Julia's relationship.

Starscape: yeah no problem, I'd be happy to help
Starscape: all I ask is that you keep an open mind
Starscape: Tatsu was not able to do that and assumed every single thing I said was a lie
df: No problem. Julia just seemed really upset, and didn't really want to go into the specifics of the affair.
Starscape: she's still getting upset about it?

df: Julia isn't very open about it.
Starscape: yeah, she....isnt very interested in talking about a lot of things when they arent exactly "happy" experiences
df: So, you and Julia dated for about eight months, no?

Starscape: I think it was closer to 11, but that might just be my flawed memory
df: What caused the relationship to go downhill?
df: Just you attending UC Santa Cruz, or something else?
Starscape: are you asking for the specific events where it died...the overreaching theme that killed it... the events leading up to it...what?
df: The specific events.
Starscape: I went to UCSC and julia and I both agreed to allow for hte potential of seeing other people, but in her mind that never really registered...she never thought it would happen and thought it was nothing
df: You saw someone else?

Starscape: we maintained our relationship or whatever for a while with me there
Starscape: until one day I came to her
Starscape: and told her that I couldnt get this girl out of my head
Starscape: i just couldnt stop thinking about her

Starscape: and I thought it was her right to know this
df: While you were at UC Santa Cruz?
Starscape: yes
df: Did you do anything with that girl, or was it just a thought?
Starscape: i didnt actually do anything

Starscape: it was a thought
Starscape: but it was impure
Starscape: so I thought it best to let julia know
Starscape: I refused to cheat on her, in mind or deed
df: What happened next?
Starscape: much screaming exploding crying stuffs
Starscape: and her leaving me

Starscape: it really was my fault though
df: After eleven months or so, it just took a phone call or two to break it up?
Planescape1: yeah it was pretty abrupt
df: No reconciliation, no getting back together?
df: Was this the first fight you two ever had?
Starscape: no we definiately had other fights
Starscape: usually about hte fact that her dance was 100x more important to her than I was

df: I'm pretty shocked; I've had fights with other girls, but we often made up and went back together.
Starscape: and that she would never take time out of her day to see me
Starscape: she wanted to get back together
Starscape: but i wouldnt

Starscape: until eventually I caved
Starscape: and came back to her asking if we could try
Starscape: and when I humbled myself and asked if we could try or whatever
Starscape: she was already starting things with tatsu
Starscape: we met one last time

df: Was this after you told her about the girl?
Starscape: after
Starscape: i think her words were something along the lines of "if you kiss me i wont be able to be with anyone else for at least a month or something"
df: And she immediately started with Tatsu, or after that?
Starscape: noooo of course not
Starscape: she started this thing with tatsu a couple weeks after the initial breakup

df: Tatsu was after your admission, right?
Starscape: he was after
Starscape: we did meet that final time
Starscape: we did fool around
Starscape: it was a "finalaizing" thing to her

Starscape: which it certainly was not for me
Starscape: and things ended up the other way around with *me* trying to get back with *her* but yeah
df: Can I ask you a personal question?
Planescape1: go ahead

df: Did you ever actually have sex with Julia, or was it just puppy love making out?
Starscape: the farthest it ever went was fingering, or her doing the opposing female-male thing to me ( handjob)
Starscape: we did not have sex
df: That's all?
Starscape: ...yeah...why?

Starscape: (im curious if you have gone that far or not now)
df: I've had oral sex with her.
Starscape: ahh
Starscape: yeah she wanted to do that and nearly let me
Starscape: but decided against it
df: Both ways. Me and her.
Starscape: we were close to that step
Starscape: hmm ok

Starscape: im guessing that my time with her opened her up sexually somewhat
df: To be perfectly honest, we even had intercourse once.
Starscape: she was very very afraid of ":doing something wrong"
Starscape: wow
Starscape: im surprised
df: But it was definitely an exception and took a lot of convincing....

Starscape: because im serious, she was hideously afraid of doing something she shouldnt do
Starscape: even though she wanted it
df: ... as well as an ambient, party atmosphere.

Starscape: and thank you for being honest with me
df: Yeah, you too.
Starscape: you have definately earned respect, though I dont think that really matters much to you :-P
df: I just wanted to know a bit more about Julia, since she doesn't like to talk about her past relationships.

Starscape: i have a question
Starscape: she never had sex with me
Starscape: but she did with you
df: Yes.
Starscape: are you saying she wasnt a virgin when you had sex>
Starscape: ?

df: She assured me it was her first time.
df: But it's impossible to tell for certain.
Starscape: then why ask me? :-P
Starscape: well
Starscape: yeah I guess

Starscape: it actually is possible to tell for certain assuming she hasnt broken her hymen before
Starscape: but ok
df: I didn't pay attention.
Starscape: yeah, it doesnt matter
df: I was a little drunk...
Starscape: ugh
df: By the way, do you know how I could talk to Tatsu?
Starscape: he wont talk to you about this really
Starscape: unless he changed since last we talked

Starscape: i just know that tatsu was never right for her
Starscape: and he was completely rebound
df: Are you seeing anyone now?
Starscape: yes
Starscape: have been for ~3 months
df: Cool, do you have any pictures.

df: I'll show you one of my past girlfriends...
Starscape: actually no, I dont have any on my computer at the moment...im sorry =(
df: I like Julie, but she oftentimes seems possessive.
Starscape: julia? =P
df: Typo.
df: Did you ever sense that about her?

Starscape: yes I did very much
Starscape: in fact
Starscape: ive sensed it even since we broke up
df: Here's my girlfriend before Julia;
df: http://www.tuckermax.com/britt.gif
df: What do you think?

Starscape: i cant tell a whole lot from a picture
Starscape: but at the very least
Starscape: shes pretty
df: She ended up being a bit too superficial and loose for me.
df: But she was also very nice, we're still friends.

Starscape: too loose?
Starscape: thats good
Starscape: i wish i could still be friends with julia
Starscape: she really wont talk to me anymore
Starscape: she kinda does

Starscape: but its really superficial
df: Yeah, her name was Alice.
df: Damn, have to go.
df: See you.

Cool Movie

2005-08-08T01:50:00.000-07:00

http://www.dvdcult.com/images/MOTFG.jpg

"Master of the Flying Guillotine"

A seventy year old blind man lives by himself on a chicken farm. One day, he gets really mad, so he takes out a "flying guillotine" and beheads all his chickens.

Then he goes around towns terrorizing inhabitants, destroying entire buildings, causing women and children to run around screaming hysterically, and beheading anyone who pisses him off.
This is unquestionably the coolest part of the film.

Only one man possesses the god-like power to stop the blind, senile, geriatric.

That man is a cripple. That man is the One-Armed Boxer, whose remaining limb has gained immense strength from having its partner cut off.

Other characters:

An Indian Yoga practioner whose arms stretch out to over ten feet long.

A fat Chinese guy with an obnoxiously long, Gengis-Khan moustache who gains fighting strength from being kicked in the balls.

A Thai fighter who shakes his ass prior to every fight and is constantly tripping on acid.

Summary: Great, marvelous film.

Update to the Last Story

2005-08-06T11:11:00.000-07:00

Apparently, the Seattle farmer died of a ruptured colon. The horse was screwing him, not the other way around.

His wife and family were unaware of the man's personal lifestyle.

Man Dies from Sex with his Horse

2005-08-05T02:25:00.000-07:00

Apparently, such acts are legal in Washington State, especially on Seattle farms;

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2002382718_horse15m.html

The Greatest Countries in the World

2005-08-01T18:50:00.000-07:00

Creating this list was infinitely more pleasing than I had originally imagined. Feel free to submit any of your own.

"Japan is the greatest country in the world for old men with weird sex fetishes, ugly, slanty-eyed sluts in sailor suits, anime, slightly diluted tapwater called "sake", and crazy shouting dudes."

"Australia is the greatest country in the world for furry animals, hats made out of them, and funny accents."

http://www.millerhats.com/productimages/336.jpg

http://www.conmicro.cx/~kturtle/diaries/mfm02/photos/fsp-kangaroo.jpg

"America is the greatest country in the world for foaming-at-the-mouth feminists, utterly useless jobs, Downs Syndrome university humanities professors, and elite geniuses."

"France is the greatest country in the world for extreme Muslim terrorists, ugly foul-smelling pigs/beasts politely refered to as "French women", dickless male wonders who eat snails, and
Yahoos dumber than Helen Keller."

"China is the greatest country in the world for rickshaws, rice, sneaky people, future kung fu movie stars, Communist government, crappy beer, and vicious Triads."

"Italy is the greatest country in the world for vegetablized, senile old men wearing tiaras, secret religious/sex societies, prostitutes outside churchs, and obnoxiously bad romantic singers."

Student Throws Up on Teacher

2005-07-27T21:22:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe I never did this myself, especially considering some of my high school teachers;

OLATHE, Kan. - A high school student convicted of battery for vomiting on his Spanish teacher has been ordered to spend the next four months cleaning up after people who throw up in police cars.

Johnson County Magistrate Judge Michael Farley said during the sentencing Tuesday that he considered the boy's actions "an assault upon the dignity of all teachers."

The teen, now 17, vomited on teacher David Young as he turned in his textbook on the last day of classes at Olathe Northwest High School. His attorney, Brian Costello, said the student vomited because he was nervous about his final exams.

But two other students testified that the teen said he threw up intentionally. One girl said he told her in advance that he planned to throw up on Young on the last day of school. The girl wasn't in class when the teen threw up, but she testified that the boy later told her, "You missed it. I did it."

Young said the student, who was failing his class, made no effort to avoid throwing up on him. "I was just sort of stunned," he said.

The Mother of all Scams

2005-07-25T13:24:00.000-07:00

PALERMO, Italy (Reuters) - An Italian couple stole 50,000 euros from a woman in the Sicilian city of Palermo after convincing her they were vampires who would impregnate her with the son of the Anti-Christ if she did not pay them.

The man, a cabaret singer, and his girlfriend took the money from their victim over four years by selling her pills at 3,000 euros each that they said would abort the Anti-Christ's son.

Police uncovered the fraud after the 47-year-old woman's family became concerned when they discovered she had spent all her savings, local news agencies AGI and ANSA reported.

Florida Police Warn of the "Naked Tickler"

2005-07-22T06:19:00.000-07:00

Florida is even more fucked up than California;

NEW SMYRNA BEACH, Fla. - Police are on the lookout for the naked tickler. Investigators said they believe one man could be responsible for a series of bizarre break-ins in which a naked man enters victims' rooms while they are sleeping and tries to tickle their feet.

The naked tickler struck again in New Smyrna Beach over the weekend.
Investigators have been working on five similar, unsolved cases since 2001. Most of the victims are women over age 60, said police Cmdr. Wade Kirby.

How People Reach This Site

2005-07-21T22:33:00.000-07:00

I recently learned where visitors to this site come from.

Yahoo! and Google! searches for "Prostitutes in Berlin", "Woman Sex with Gorilla", "Melvin Davis, Redneck", "Thai Transexuals", and "Arab Sex" were prevalent.

Glad to satisfy your desires, ladies and gentlemen.

AIM Conversation Punking

2005-07-20T15:56:00.000-07:00

I'm "dfs" (not my actual SN, obviously) in the following conversation, pretending to be a redneck Floridian with short-term memory loss. I wanted to know how Puerto's name was in my list of contacts. Mental confusion ensues.

By the way, is it just me, or are Rican Florida girls motherfucking illiterate?

dfs: Hello.

PuertoGurlz07: Hola.. who are u?

dfs: I was about to ask you the same question...

PuertoGurlz07: oh

dfs: I saw your name in my "Friends" list, but I have no clue who you are...

dfs: However, to be perfectly honest, I suffer from short-term memory loss.

dfs: So I was hoping you could help me out...

PuertoGurlz07: Oh haha. why?

dfs: Maybe you know how I know you...

dfs: My name is Jim, incidentally. I've visited Puerto Rico before.

PuertoGurlz07: Oh i see

dfs: Who are you? Perhaps I'll remember the name...

PuertoGurlz07: I am Alaya

dfs: Hmmm....doesn't seem to ring a bell. Do you post on any forums then? Maybe that's how...

PuertoGurlz07: No i didn't. I'm sorry

dfs: Are you Amy's friend?

PuertoGurlz07: amy?

dfs: Yes, Amy.

PuertoGurlz07: I don't know her

dfs: Damn... must be someone else...

PuertoGurlz07: Then how did u find my scn?

dfs: Living with medically diagnosed short-term memory loss is very difficult...

dfs: I'm always forgeting things.

PuertoGurlz07: not me

dfs: Well then, you are lucky.

dfs: It's horrible; I've slept with girls, and when they call me a day later, I have no idea who they are.

dfs: They often break down crying as a result.

dfs: It's terrible.

PuertoGurlz07: But i don't rememember my father at many years

PuertoGurlz07: i am peace

dfs: I remember my father; he was an alcoholic who was frequently in the county jail.

PuertoGurlz07: But i am not intersting in that

dfs: He used to get so drunk he would pass out for literally days at a time.

dfs: Hey, maybe you remember someone who had a deeply alcoholic father.

dfs: That might be me.

PuertoGurlz07: Oh excause me.. i need to see your picture please?

dfs: One moment....

dfs: http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b253/TID49/PuertoGurlzpic.jpg

dfs: Do you know who I am?

dfs: By the way, where can I see a picture of you?

dfs: Aliyeeya, was it?

PuertoGurlz07: www.myspace.com/x0xpuertoguriix0x

dfs: Well, we live in the same state...

PuertoGurlz07: u live in florida?

dfs: Yes. Palm Beach.

PuertoGurlz07: oh i see

dfs: Wait... are you really small?

PuertoGurlz07: i am not small

dfs: How tall?

PuertoGurlz07: oh don't ask me

dfs: I'm small myself.

dfs: I'm like 5' 6".

dfs: As you can see from the photo.

PuertoGurlz07: I am 5'1/2

dfs: Sorry girl, that is freaking small.

dfs: Wait a moment... did you visit some local Florida colleges?

dfs: I was the tour guide at several of them...

PuertoGurlz07: Oh look i am deaf

PuertoGurlz07: i am serious but i am hard of hearing

dfs: Wait... I remember two deaf girls that toured the local region...

dfs: You've been to Palm Beach, right?

PuertoGurlz07: No never

dfs: Was it Miami then?

dfs: I used to live there for a long time....

PuertoGurlz07: i live in kissimmee for 6 years

dfs: Wait, do you watch a bunch of anime?

PuertoGurlz07: Si

dfs: Oh, I remember you now....

dfs: I never met you myself, but a couple of my friends hanged out with you and gave me your SN...

dfs: ur friends? who?

dfs: It was either Mike, Amy, or Julie.

PuertoGurlz07: I don't know them

PuertoGurlz07: you would ask them so they might tell u

dfs: They told me about a Rican girl who was deaf and watchecd anime with them.

dfs: Who was also small.

dfs: It's probably you.

PuertoGurlz07: I am not small

PuertoGurlz07: why are you think i am small?

dfs: You said yourself you're 5' 0.5".

dfs: That's really small, honey.

PuertoGurlz07: i said 1/2

dfs: Isn't 5' 1/2" the same as "five feet and half an inch tall?"

dfs: Or is my long-term memory failing me too?

PuertoGurlz07: never mind

dfs: I'm sorry, it's just that short-term memory loss is so hard to cope with.

PuertoGurlz07: that's fine

dfs: It's a daily battle.... like "Memento".

dfs: You seen that film?

PuertoGurlz07: No

PuertoGurlz07: Why are you talk with me for?

dfs: It's about someone who loses his entire memory every single new day...

dfs: That's me...

PuertoGurlz07: how old are u?

dfs: 20. And yourself?

PuertoGurlz07: i am 14 year old. i need to leave u alone

dfs: Why?

PuertoGurlz07: because i had a lil headache

dfs: Okay.

dfs: Have a nice day, thanks for the information.

Little League Coach Paid Player $25 to Beat up Mentally Retarded Eight Year Old Teammate...

2005-07-15T16:47:00.000-07:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050715/ap_on_re_us/young_player_hurt

The Great Breast Implant Robbery

2005-07-15T00:56:00.000-07:00

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil (Reuters) - Armed bandits in Brazil robbed a vehicle carrying more than 400 breast implants, officials said on Tuesday.

"It happened last week, but we only learned about it recently as our clients started complaining. It is the hottest period of the year in terms of implant sales," said Margaret Figueiredo, director of silicone implant manufacturer Silimed.

A spokesman for the state Postal Service confirmed that assailants, apparently men, robbed the postal van with implants on Thursday night in Rio de Janeiro. Each Silimed breast implant costs nearly $400.

Figueiredo explained demand is the highest in July, during the southern hemisphere winter, as women schedule surgery during the winter school holidays, which precede the beach season.

Figueiredo said the implants, each bearing an individual number, could now only be sold for clandestine surgeries.

The Ultimate Elderly, Crazy Cat Lady

2005-07-13T02:08:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - About 300 cats, nearly a third of them dead, were removed from an elderly woman's Virginia home after neighbors complained of a stench coming from the house, police said on Tuesday.

The house, less than a mile from late President George Washington's historic Mount Vernon estate, looked neat from the outside with manicured lawns and bright flowers, but inside it was overflowing with wild cats, feces and urine.

"Cats were coming out of the cabinets and drawers and were inside the walls. There were hundreds of them," Fairfax County Police officer Richard Henry told Reuters.

He said animal control officers removed 273 cats -- 86 of them dead -- over the weekend and slapped a condemnation order on the door of the house. The woman, her husband and daughter were told to leave.

Later on, Henry said, the woman returned and attempted to smuggle an additional 30 cats from the house. These animals were confiscated, bringing the total to more than 300.

Ruth Knueven, 82, was charged with failing to care for her animals and of improperly disposing of them. Dozens of dead cats were found in plastic bins around the house.

Most of the cats were inbred and sick and were unfit for adoption, said Henry. "These were feral cats who were given free range of the house and almost all of them will, unfortunately, have to be put down," he said.

63 Year Old Grandmother Plans to Retire from the Prostitution Business Soon

2005-07-11T12:46:00.000-07:00

BERLIN (Reuters) - A Berlin grandmother who has worked the city's diplomatic quarter as a prostitute for the last 49 years plans to retire when she turns 64 next year, according to Germany's Bild newspaper.

Even though prostitutes were forced to leave the area after the Berlin Wall, fell because dead-end streets in the downtrodden district were re-connected to east Berlin and property values surged, Renate Dolle was allowed to stay, Bild said.

"I've got a lot of regular clients," the blonde woman told the newspaper, pictured wearing a short red mini skirt and high-heeled white boots as she stood near the Japanese embassy. She said she charges 30 euros ($36) and on good nights she has four to five clients.

"I'm going to stop at 64 and retire," said Dolle, whose husband drops her off for work each night after the television evening news and who has a nine-year-old granddaughter.

She is one of 10,000 prostitutes in Berlin and 400,000 in Germany, where prostitution is legal. Dolle said she tried to work in a popular red light district nearby recently but was chased away by younger competitors.

"What do you want here, you old whore, get lost," Dolle said they shouted at her. "What did I ever do to them?"

Man Sues for Right to Be Drunk

2005-07-08T23:50:00.000-07:00

BOSTON - A man arrested when police showed up to break up a New Year's Eve party at a friend's house has filed a lawsuit, arguing he had a constitutional right to get drunk on private property as long as he didn't cause a public disturbance.

Eric Laverriere, 25, of Portland, Maine, was taken into protective custody by Waltham police and locked in a cell for nine hours until the effects of the alcohol wore off.

Legal experts said his lawsuit, filed this week in U.S. District Court in Boston, is the first to challenge a state law allowing police to lock up drunk people against their will for their own protection.

Laverriere argues that the Massachusetts Protective Custody Law was written to combat public drunkenness and that the police had no right to use it to take him from a private residence. He also says he had planned to spend the night at his friend's and wasn't going to be driving anywhere.

"One thing people should be able to do is drink in their own house," Laverriere told The Boston Globe. "That's the beauty of the land of the free."

Attorney Leonard Kesten, who has defended police departments in civil-rights cases, said if officers are investigating a crime or responding to an incident and discover that someone is drunk and posing a danger, they are obligated to take that person into protective custody.

Laverriere said that he drank several beers, but wasn't drunk, when officers arrived at his friend's duplex saying someone had thrown bottles at a passing police cruiser.

When the partygoers denied throwing bottles, Laverriere said, the officers became angry, prompting him to pick up a friend's camera and start videotaping. Laverriere told the Globe that Officer Jorge Orta ripped the camera from his hands and threw him to the floor, injuring his shoulder.

One police report says that Laverriere appeared intoxicated and expressed "displeasure" at being told he had to leave the party. He was then taken into custody. The report says he fell to the floor while resisting Orta's efforts to handcuff him.

(KIMaster's comment-Bullshit!)

I'm Proud to be Russian

2005-07-05T08:42:00.000-07:00

This student embodies everything prestigious and grand about the country I was born in;

MOSCOW (Reuters) - A young Russian man who dressed in women's clothes to take an exam for his sister was caught after his oversize bust gave him away, Interfax news agency reported Monday.

The youth's "unusually prominent female features," and heavy make-up drew security guards' attention and they stopped him from taking the test, Yasen Zasursky, dean of Moscow State University's journalism faculty, told the agency.

The Redneck Games!

2005-07-02T22:07:00.000-07:00

EAST DUBLIN, Ga. - In his garage, Melvin Davis keeps 230 trophies he's won racing motorcycles, go-karts and pickup trucks. But he's best known for a sport that earned him four trophies topped with crushed Bud Lite cans.

"Yeah, looking back on it I'm proud. But when I done it I felt a little silly," said Davis, 68. "People were going, `There's the bobbing-for-pigs-feet champion!'"

Bobbing for pig feet, the mudpit belly-flop, the armpit serenade — they're all part of the
Redneck Games, a series of good ole'ympic events for the ain't-so-athletic celebrating their 10th year in middle Georgia.

Started as a Southern-fried spoof of the 1996 Atlanta Olympics, with a propane torch lighting a ceremonial barbecue grill, the gag games draw tourists like moths to a backyard bug-zapper.
Organizers estimate 95,000 attended the July event during its first decade in East Dublin, a rural pit stop of 2,500 residents between Macon and Savannah.

What started as a gathering of about 500 during the 1996 Olympics ballooned to 10,000 by 2001 and reached an estimated 15,000 last year. More are expected when the 10th Annual Redneck Games are held next Saturday.

"It's hard to put your finger on why it blew up to what it was," said Jeff Kidd, program director for WQZY, the country radio station that cooked up the Redneck Games as an Olympic publicity stunt.

It worked. Media coverage from MTV to London's BBC has beamed word of the games around the globe.

"We have families do their reunions around the Redneck Games. We've had weddings in the past," Kidd said. "I don't think anybody takes it that seriously. Everybody has fun with it, and that's what it's all about."

The actual events, which have changed little over the years, hew to self-deprecating stereotypes and backwoods bawdiness.

The mudpit belly-flop judges contestants on their flabby form and sonic splat as they drop gut-first into muddy water, splattering nearby spectators.

The armpit serenade rates children on their musical skills pumping air through a damp hand beneath their underarm. The 12-year-old winner in 2000 squeezed out a recognizable rendition of "Dixie."

There's also hubcap hurling — think junkyard discus — and redneck horseshoes, played with toilet seats. The most competitive sport, however, is bobbing for pig feet, where contenders dunk their heads in tubs of water to see how fast they can remove raw pork shanks with their teeth.

Davis, a retired state bridge inspector, won the title in the Redneck Games' first four years, and has been trying to reclaim it ever since. His record, he says, was clearing seven pig feet in 13 seconds. His secret: bite for the tip of the hoof, not the flesh.

"Being that they're frozen, you can't grab them by the shank part, so you've got to get it by the toes," Davis said. "Now, there ain't many people who want to stick their head in a tank of water and get a raw, frozen pig's foot out of it, after what they've been walking through."

Davis has no problem describing himself as a redneck. He has a dog named Bubba. He loves to eat fried rabbit. His Chevy pickup has a homemade hood ornament of an anatomically correct bulldog (unquestionably male).

Still, he's flummoxed that the Redneck Games have found such a large audience.

"They're so dang silly," Davis said. "Every year it's so hot, four or five people fall down from heat exhaustion. All they've got is porta-potties, and they smell so bad you've got to hold your breath until you get out."

Frank L. Fraser, publisher of Redneck World magazine, sees the games as another example —
alongside the popularity of country music,

"When I first started, a redneck is a guy whose dadgum hobby is hanging people from trees," said Fraser, who estimates his magazine has 350,000 readers in 43 states. "Most rednecks I know are just hard-working people who like barbecues and the outdoors."

Kidd says some locals, "the country-club people," have looked down on the Redneck Games as giving Laurens County a backward image of dirt roads and outhouses.

Many have stopped sneering, he said, because its hard to bash proceeds from the $5 admission going to the East Dublin Lions Club and the economic spillover to local businesses.

Willie Paulk, president of the Laurens County Chamber of Commerce, said no economic impact studies have been done on the Redneck Games, though she says it's the third-largest public event in the county, behind the St. Patrick's Day celebration in neighboring Dublin and the Possum Hollow arts and crafts festival in nearby Dexter.

"While we appreciate the novelty of the Redneck Games, I don't think it should be looked at as the sole determinant in labeling a county," Paulk said. "So far it hasn't stopped our industries from locating here, which is wonderful."

Delusional and Inadequate, Part 1

2005-06-26T16:38:00.000-07:00

Ever met an individual whose self-image was a woeful reflection of objective reality?

Look around.

Over there stands a Wax Museum specimen of Roseanne Barr, Ms. Piggy, a girl with what appears to be third degree burns on her face, replete with a body that is repulsive to convicts just released from jail. She has a personality so selfish and egotistical, that Piggy literally quakes with anger whenever conversation is focused on anyone except herself, her rolls and rolls of fat jiggling furiously.

As she hears another joke on "Will and Grace", she starts snorting, chortling, and choking up with laughter, her face turning beet red, and her already enormous girth heaving still further forward.

Our heroine spends hours on beauty products, her hair, and fashionable, expensive clothes and accessories charged to Daddy’s credit card.

She can’t figure it out.

Why don’t guys like her? Doesn’t she possess an amazing personality, fabulous looks, and a unique, trailblazing style?

Wake up, you fat fucking moron! You’re disgusting, crude, and have no job prospects above a clerkship at Costco! Go fuck yourself with the new XXXXL dildo, it’s the only sex you’ll ever have in your life.

Next to her stands Mr. Pimp Playa’. He’s white of course, but apparently his father is Jay-Z and his mother 50 Cent. The baggy, sagging pants reveal boxers. The spiked, dyed blonde hair, the sideways visor, and the Walkman featuring mainstream rap hits he’s always bragging about listening to are all present too. He wants to show everyone his "six-pack".

He’s real tough, alright. Mr. Playa’ stands 4’ 11", 100 pounds, has no fighting background, and has never been in a serious street fight in his entire life.

Still, for all his street savvy, he can’t quite figure out why girls laugh at him all the time, especially when he tells them his innermost affections. Whatever Foo! Those fine bitches r’ prolly’ just diggin’ his handsome image so much!

However, we have to give Mr. Pimp credit.

He’s started his professional career at a very early age.

He’s been working at Taco Bell since the beginning of high school.

May I please present to you your future wife, Ms. Piggy?

Michael Jordan is a Talentless Fool

2005-06-24T22:03:00.000-07:00

http://www.big-boys.com/articles/bbshots.html

Now these players have serious game.

This Site Rocks

2005-06-22T16:28:00.000-07:00

http://www.kevina.tv/

Here's his animation for Howard Stern:

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/fluhoward.html

The Victim

2005-06-20T06:51:00.000-07:00

The right hand pushed the object deep into a crystal bowl, rubbing it out.

The left hand held a cell phone. His dry, bass voice spoke rapidly, "We had a party late last night. Eight girls stayed, but the other two left early."

There is a pause on the other line, while the scarred right hand rises to the lips.

"A shame….. Check up on them around 9 o’ clock tonight, once they’re finished with their dance lessons."

"Thanks. Goodbye."

The cell phone is clicked off, and Mikhail goes on smoking the cigarette. He is already on his twentieth of the day. He leans back into the plush, burgundy sofa, enjoying the scent of fresh upholstery mixed with cigarettes.

Mikhail possesses a bony, even skeletal face with high, protruding cheekbones. He is 5’9", 175 pounds, thirty-two years old, with a close-cropped haircut. A dark leather jacket covers his powerful, well-built frame.

What immediately strikes one are the eyes. A deep, rich hazelnut color, they are eternally filled with internal ruminations, oblivious to the surrounding world.

Normally, they are vacant.

Mikhail decides to take a nap. Several hours later, he wakes up. He exits his hotel room, takes the elevator to the ground floor, and steps outside.

Across the street, he sees a woman with a green mohawk and no bra smoking a cigarette. Standing next to her is a fat, laughing, Gothic woman with three rings in each nostril, like a wild pig. The monstrosity has long hair with alternating streaks of red and white. Her bloated arm holds a leash connected to a dog.

Suddenly, the two start groping and kissing each other.

‘San Francisco is a fucking hell-hole’ Mikhail thinks, ‘I can’t wait to leave.’

But not yet.

Mikhail walks along the street, avoiding crazy freaks at every turn. He sees an 80 year old woman with tattoos on her breasts, a man whose lips are invisible, being completely covered by copper rings, and many others.

He enters a restaurant, one of the few in the entire city that offers clean food. He is acquainted with the owner, a Georgian immigrant who was classmates with his father at Moscow State University. He takes a seat in the corner, his usual. The waitress, a moderately attractive Chinese woman with purple lipstick, greets him cheerily, knowing him.

"What will you have?"

"EXCUSSSSEEEE ME!!!"

A woman surveys the scene. Her expression is deeply angry, bordering on hysteria.

She is 5’ 1", 400 pounds, has dyed red hair, a red scarf, red shoes, red pants, red cheeks, a red suit, and yellow teeth stained with marijuana. Although she doesn’t know it, she is a distant descendant of Attila the Hun. The only thing she has inherited from her illustrious progenitor is an insatiable appetite and a sense of entitlement. Her ogrish, round teeth are dripping with troll saliva. Placing a body part next to her mouth might result in its loss.

A sticker of "No War For Oil" hangs on her forehead, a symbolic tattoo of stupidity that would be more accurate if "Brains" replaced the last three words.

The Hun’s puffed red cheeks are the same that huff, puff, and sing along to Areetha Franklin’s "RESPECT" and "I Will Survive", the national anthems of fat, ugly, rejected swamp monsters everywhere.

"What seems to be the problem madam?" inquires Mikhail with an ingratiating smile.

"That IZ MYYYYY SEEET!!!" exclaims the red sack of elephant turds.

"Wait a second…. That’s not the case…" interjects the Chinese waitress.

The reddish offspring of baboons and Rosie O’Donnell’s waste is about to explode.

"…Forgive me. I will find another seat." Mikhail calmly responds.

Red Hun is taken aback, expecting more resistance. Frankly, she is disappointed. She wanted to argue and bitch. She is angrier than ever that her fun was not to be.

As Mikhail moves to his new seat, the waitress gives him a knowing glance.

The Hun’s food will contain spit, urine, and a mild dose of poison.

After the meal, Mikhail walks outside, luxuriously stretching his body as he realizes the night has begun. It is presently 6 o’clock.

He goes back to the hotel. Once there, he turns on his laptop and begins to write a program. His coworkers and employers express surprise and even disdain at this, but Mikhail doesn’t care.

He loves the intrinsic challenge, the ingenuity, and pushing one’s brain to the limits. It keeps him alert and calculating, a necessity for his job. At times, he has even considered quitting his profession and becoming a programmer.

Around 8: 30 pm, Mikhail leaves to pick up the two girls.

He drives slowly and carefully, paying special attention to drug fiends that might jump under the wheels of his Mercedes Benz. A street away from the building, he parks his car. The door and then his body slowly creep out from the large frame of the vehicle. He proceeds cautiously.
Before him is a giant warehouse, covered with lousy, crude graffiti expressing sexual lusts and desires. The night gives it a particularly lurid quality, prompting Mikhail to think that perhaps a band of madmen had escaped the psychiatric ward and created it. Mists swirl about him. The sound of a police vehicle can be heard in the distance. The ground is ugly and cracked.

He approaches the entrance to the building. Before him stands a 6’4" 260 pound punk with a goatee, long chains hanging out of sagging pants, and a simple wife beater tank top in the cold night.

"Whada yo’ wont motha fucka??" he inquires the Russian, stepping towards him. His sneer and cocky grin belie the intimidation he is certain Mikhail is experiencing.

Mikhail’s eyes flash, resuscitated from their normally somnolent musings. He pulls out a custom-made Browning, extends it forward, and blows the punk’s head off as the latter’s eyes dilate and move in opposite directions.

The body crashes to the ground and blood erupts like a fountain from his forehead. A lifeless, gaping mouth, left slightly ajar, retains the same "Oh shit, my mom caught me masturbating" expression it did when he first saw the gun. A pool of blood is now forming below the head, where the bullet existed.

Mikhail sidesteps the remains, and enters the warehouse. He has used a silencer, so he is confident the shot was not heard. He noiselessly advances up the stairs, a panther in the night.

Every step, Mikhail is happy to notice that all limbs are functioning properly, possessing a welcome absence of bullets. On the second floor, he hears voices behind a door.

He knocks.

Then, like an acrobat, he leaps to the side and takes several steps up the stairs.

Mikhail struggles to impose calmness over his body.

The door is thrown open in an arrogant, insolent manner. A young Mexican face peeks out.

The lips are quivering with laughter from a joke he has just heard. The face is comfortable and confident in life.

Mikhail blasts it off with his gun. As the blood gushes out of a hole that was once the left cheek, the ghost of a smile remains on the lips.

"Motherfucking bullshit!!!" Mikhail hears inside. He hears a safety trigger turned off. Mikhail now takes several more steps up the stairs. The stairs zigzag, so near the top he is well shielded by railings and the start of a new set of stairs. He suddenly sees half his target’s face, enraged. It is ascertaining where Mikhail is.

Mikhail shoots. He hears a roar of pain.

Still, the head disappears. He is not mortally wounded. The bullet has grazed the side of his face and hit the ear.

Cursing in Russian, Mikhail advances up the stairs, guarding himself behind the railings. He hears gunfire and flashes close to where he is, but sees only an arm in the opened apartment door. It’s a risky way to hit the target.

Mikhail takes several shots at the protruding limb, and is finally rewarded by an agonized scream of "FUCK!!!".

Suddenly, he hears running. The target is attempting to escape.

His body slowly oozes down the steps, wary at every moment despite the fleeing patter of feet.

The crash of a door is heard at the other end of the building. Mikhail quickens his pace. He reaches the level of the door. The image of a disheveled, dirty room replete with lighters and drug paraphernalia flashes before him.

He then continues down the steps. Rather than entering unknown territory, the contract killer exists back outside, where the target presently is.

Mikhail once again finds himself in the angry night. The same brisk winds. The same cracked ground. The same police sirens. Nothing has changed.

His eyes alternate between the two directions, his body closely huddled against the filthy, graffiti wall. If the target exited through the back of his flat, he must be on the other side of the building.

Footsteps are faintly heard. They seem to be heading in the opposite direction.

Mikhail slowly slides over to the adjacent wall. The running continues. He moves forward. He sees the suspect. A hundred yards away.

The running continues. Mikhail draws out another gun, this one for long-range. He aims. The figure in the distance isn’t slowing down.

A shot is heard. The running continues for a few more steps, but slower. Then, it stops. Mikhail rushes back to his car. A lookout was supposed to make sure it didn’t get stolen. His heart racing, he sees his jet black Mercedes.

He gets in, and drives to where the target stopped. As he nears, the body doesn’t move. A huge gash is in the back of the figure, with the jacket and shirt torn through and pieces of intestine hanging out. Mikhail rolls down the windshield. Just to be sure, he shoots the head a few times.

After he’s done, about half the skull is left. An irregular, chaotic, line runs from the top of the forehead to the bottom of the neck. The line is covered with blood and brains. Everything behind it is gone.

Satisfied, Mikhail revs up the engine and leaves the crime scene. He enters a more prosperous neighborhood. The Benz stops in a huge underground garage.

Getting out, Mikhail notes the zone number he is on. Reaching C-145, he finds the desired vehicle; an inconspicuous, brash, glistening black Ford truck.

The mission is over with.

He can finally leave. Mikhail allows himself to relieve some of the monumental tension he was under for the past hour.

He gets in, starts the engine, and starts driving. The sensation of safety floods into him like a thousand dams. The relief feels similar to the satisfaction after sex, only a thousand times more complete.

Another successful mission.

Asian Dog with Two Penises and Six Legs

2005-06-19T09:30:00.000-07:00

I typically hate canines, but this one is an exception.

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia - A puppy with six legs and two penises was found sleeping outside a Chinese temple in a Malaysian town, and devotees are treating the freak find as a good omen, a news report said Sunday.

The furry puppy with brown patches was sleeping at the temple entrance on Thursday morning when it was spotted by a temple caretaker, said the Star newspaper, which published the animal's picture clearly showing the extra two legs and the additional organ.

"He (the caretaker) lifted the canine to place it elsewhere and was shocked to see that the puppy had six legs," the Star quoted the Kwang Sung Temple committee member Tee Kim Huat as saying. The temple is in Pandamaran town, south of Kuala Lumpur near Port Klang.
The puppy, believed to have been left there by someone, is being cared for by the temple committee, Tee said. He said devotees feel that the unusual dog is a bearer of good fortune and have named him Ong Fatt, or the Lucky One.

The temple committee has obtained a dog-rearing permit from the Klang Municipal Council to keep the puppy as a pet.

High School High

2005-06-15T19:09:00.000-07:00

This movie is a comedy about an idealistic, white, thirtyish teacher who heads to teach an inner city filled with metal detectors, prostitutes, professional gangsters, drugs, and teachers murdered and kidnapped by the mainly African-American and Latin student population.

Unlike most films of its kind, "High School High" has absolutely no deep, moral lesson. That is, unless not drinking the "punch" at urban dance parties or leaving a car unattended in the school parking lot can be considered a valuable trinket of wisdom.

Although I didn't believe it to be possible, the realities of impoverished American neighborhoods are treated in a funny, upbeat, uplifting manner.

As Jon Lovitz makes his way through the 'hood and school, he notices a liquor store followed by a gun store followed by a bail bond store on the streets. Finally, he sees something different; the fourth building down is both a liquor, gun, and a bail bond store.

The students carry dozens of knives and guns throughout, offering Lovitz their services to ice rival gangs, while simultaneously humping slutty-looking girls with three babies and stealing shit. The faculty is equally uproarious.

The principal is a fifty year old hard-drinking Irishwoman who randomly attacks students and teachers alike with a wooden baseball bat. One teacher is a stoned, elderly black man reading gun magazines who "does something in the classes on the third floor". Another teacher is a shemale with a beard who teaches female gym class.

Eventually, Lovitz finds a way to connect to his fellow students, via the following creative method of teaching mathematics;

"You're cruising with your Crip brothas' down the hood' when you meet up with some A-homies talking smack, after which you decide to throw down. You have five guys with three sawed off pool cues, one aluminum bat, and one wooden baseball bat.

The rude motherfuckers are six bitches with three brass knuckles and three knives. What is the ratio of metal weapons to wooden ones?"

The students nod their heads in approval, and begin the hard work. I loved this film.

Pictures:

http://www.moviesnapshot.com/1996Stills/High_School_High.JPG

http://www.wwlp.com/news/segments/sybersy/highschool.jpg

http://www.cinemareview.com/static-htm/images/109613p4.jpg

KIMaster's Asshole Internet Exploits

2005-06-10T00:14:00.000-07:00

This is strictly for the individuals that don't visit the HH forums;

I'm "babeincrisis234";

http://forum.greatestjournal.com/messages/viewtopic.php?t=7553

God I love the replies. I can simply imagine the liberal, impassioned, teenage girls furiously typing what they believe to be life and death advice for a poor, battered Midwestern housewife when instead an eighteen year old California male is laughing his ass off at the other end.

Attack of the Mexican Bullfighting Dwarfs!

2005-06-07T18:51:00.000-07:00

VALLE DE SANTIAGO, Mexico (Reuters) - Mexican "dwarf bullfighters" are carrying on a tradition born in Spain along with regular bullfighting, as well as an even longer legacy of "little people" as entertainers.

But they say the ring showcases their skill and comic artistry, making them more than just a curiosity.While the young bullocks they use are half the weight of regular fighting bulls, they are bred to be aggressive and, from a dwarf's perspective, are just as frightening as the real thing.

"It's scary when you are face to face with a bull. It hurts when you get hit. And it's dangerous if the bull falls on you," said Antonio Garcia, 40. Before entering the ring, he showed off scars on his head and dental repairs needed after run-ins with bulls.

"But I like it. I do it more for the fun than the money. I love being an artist, and, thanks to being short, I've had this opportunity to travel to lots of places," he said, grinning.While the bullock is a constant danger, the show descends into comedy when two dwarf "picadors" enter the ring.

Instead of sitting on horses and spearing the bullock with spiked wooden pikes as in real bullfighting, the pair have fleecy pantomime-style dummy horses attached to their sides, providing padding, and their aim is to hit the animal with a squeezy plastic hammer.

"People laugh a lot at what we do, and that's the point, making the public laugh. It's very satisfying," said Jorge Reyes, 48, who shines shoes during the week and bullfights on the weekends for fun and extra money.

The troupe's manager, Eduardo Ferandel, says Reyes was overcome with emotion when the show came to his home town several years ago, and for the first time in his life he saw other adults his size. Reyes joined the troupe immediately.A comic event from the start, miniature bullfighting arrived in Mexico around 30 years ago, brought over by some Spanish dwarfs.

Ferandel's all-Mexican troupe, the "Original Little Dwarf Bullfighters," started a decade ago."Little people," as some prefer to be called, have been entertainers for centuries, being excluded by discrimination or their height handicap from many everyday professions.

After being court jesters in the Middle Ages, many were shown off as circus attractions in the 18th and 19th centuries. "The whole idea is to make people smile and laugh. That's what we live for and it's what we live off," said Garcia, one of two clowns who dodge the bull alongside five bullfighters.

Many dwarfs find it hard to get regular jobs in Mexico, which does not oblige companies to employ a percentage of people with disabilities and offers no financial support. There is no association to help dwarfs deal with everyday challenges like bank counters, supermarket shelves, light switches, urinals and clothes shopping.

"They are not laughing at us but at what we are doing and the jokes we make," said bullfighter Ignacio Zaragoza. "I am happy as I am," added Rogelio Ayala, a car mechanic when not bullfighting.

"I don't envy anybody, I feel lucky. I have lots of friends and I'm a star in my home town."

Terrorist-Proof Automobile

2005-06-07T03:06:00.000-07:00

http://www.big-boys.com/articles/badterror.html

The Family Prostitution Business

2005-06-06T07:26:00.000-07:00

A kindly mother supports the company her late daughter founded, and this is her reward?

LINDENWOLD, N.J. - Police made a surprising discovery when they busted the alleged madam of a prostitution ring called "August Playmates": The woman running the show was an 80-year-old grandmother.

Police say Vera Tursi ran the business from her two-bedroom apartment, taking $60 of every $160 she charged clients for one hour with a call girl.

Law enforcement officials say Tursi admitted her role in the business, saying she took it over a few years ago from her daughter, who had died. Police say Tursi told them she needed money to subsidize her Social Security checks.

Undercover police first began to wonder about the age of their suspect when they called the escort service as part of their sting operation. They said she seemed to have difficulty breathing.

"You get a feel for how old someone is when you talk to them," State Police Detective Sgt. Thomas Cornely told The Sunday Star-Ledger of Newark. "She sounded like an 80-year-old woman."

A University Education

2005-06-04T23:22:00.000-07:00

Human beings delude themselves.

They believe their provincial, backwater surroundings contain the strangest, most bizarre human entities and occurrences imaginable.

They consider themselves "jaded", "world-weary", and "experienced".

These pathetic souls have seen nothing.

Unlike them, I have spent hundreds of hours inside asylums for the mentally deranged known more formally as "San Francisco" and "Berkeley".

I truly had seen everything.

That is, until my visit to a modest little college town several weeks ago.

After surveying my living quarters for the next four years, I prepared myself for an uneventful trip home. About to start the engine of my car, I glanced lazily at the scene unfolding in front of a Marriot Hotel.

A black woman with a tightly drawn hood had approached a white couple.

In a calm, matter-of-fact tone one would use to ask "How’s the weather?", the woman inquired,
"Do ya’ have any drugs or pills ye’ can give to me n’ shit?"

After the couples’ eyes had finished expanding to three times their natural sizes, they murmured a sheepish "no".

Undeterred, the brazen drug addict started investigating the ashtray on top of the hotel’s trash can. She carefully, expertly picked up the cigarette stubs and sniffed their contents like a dog would an anus. Not finding even the smallest trace of marijuana, the dejected narcotics abuser walked away.

Before embarking upon the long journey home, I stopped at a local Panda Express to eat.
Stepping out of the car, I encountered the most deranged bum imaginable.

He was between sixty and seventy years old, middle-sized in build and stature, and had about half his right ear missing.

Yet, the first features one vividly recognized were the eyes and the face.

The lips were drawn in a permanent smile, the eyes gleaming with that internal ember all mentally unstable individuals possess. This action conveyed to his face an unnatural, doll-like grimace.

As I approached, the man randomly shouted "Hiiiii!" to pedestrians on the other side of the street in a voice as blatantly homosexual and high-pitched as any San Francisco fag.

He warmly greeted me as I drew closer.

"Hiiiii! I’ve never been to this restaurant before. I’m waiting for it to open. It says it should open at 11:30 am. There’s no one there. The door’s locked."

It was presently 11:43 am. There were several employees inside the building. The door was open when I pushed it.

As I entered, the man turned around, surprised, and exclaimed to me,

"Hiiiii!!!!".

Instead of entering the restaurant, he spent the next ten minutes greeting people with that tiresome, monosyllabic word.

Finally, as I was busily assaulting several different varieties of Chinese chicken and rice, the man entered.

He roundly greeted every employee and restaurant patron with a "Hiiii!!!" while extending his palm forward, shaking it back and forth in an awkward half-circle resembling the movements for Jedi Mind Control.

There were half a dozen customers in line, but the loony was undeterred.

He marched to the very front.

The shocked Chinese employee patiently explained to him why this was improper, slowly and simply, as if speaking to a Down’s Syndrome child, jhellwig, a liberal American politician, or an eroded rock.

The mentally challenged individual was upset. He stormed out and resumed his post in front of the diner.

I heard more greetings just outside the door.

Ten minutes later, as I prepared to leave, he came back. He was now the only customer in line. After ordering his food, he began to eat it in the most alien way imaginable; grabbing the food with his hands, swinging it above his head like a lasso, then finally inserting his entire hand and victuals inside the mouth.

As he spies me leaving, he utters yet another "Hiiiii!!!!", this time rubbing his balding dome with rice in the process. As it rolls down his head, a bright red tongue snakes out to catch several strands.

This was bad even by San Francisco standards.

The next hour or so in the car were relatively uneventful. Then, I stopped at a gas station. While refueling the car, I spotted an incredibly hot woman in the middle of the road.

She was 5’ 7", had long, curly, naturally blonde hair, abnormally large breasts, a fine, delicate face, and long legs.

She was wearing a tube top and ridiculously tight jeans that were ripped in strategic places. The jeans were almost entirely absent from her crotch, and her pink thong was completely visible from all sides.

Then, the unthinkable happened.

She took her both her hands and slipped them underneath the slim, lacy, undergarment, masturbating with quick pants of joy.

I stood there, stunned. How the hell was I suddenly transported into a porn film?

At this point, she had attracted quite a bit of attention. Everyone had stopped dead in their tracks to observe and listen to the "Unh, unh" she was fervently whispering. Suddenly, she saw a man in a new, jet-black truck with a fistful of dollars extended out of the window.

She promptly stopped, rushed over, and entered the automobile. It soon left.

Prostitute.

Scarcely an hour later, I witnessed a new spectacle. On the 65-mph limit freeway, two motorcycle riders, one clad in all yellow and the other in all red, raced past me at speeds well in excess of 100 miles per hour.

They were weaving in and out of traffic, one trying to pass the other.

While I had personally witnessed an illegal street car race several years ago, it had occurred at midnight in a largely deserted area.

THESE FUCKERS WERE RACING AT 2:00 PM IN THE BROAD FUCKING DAYLIGHT WITH HIGHLY CONGESTED TRAFFIC IN EVERY LANE!!!

Several minutes pass, and I hear police sirens, as John Law darts past me.

Several more minutes down the road, I observe the officers apprehending the suspects, snapping handcuffs on them. Justice served.

At this point, I was bewildered; a sleepy, calm, Republican region with low crime rates had produced sights that surpassed those of Berkeley and San Francisco.

How could this be?

Yet, my adventures weren’t quite over.

I stopped at a roadside store to obtain provisions for my arrival home. After several minutes, who should enter but three witches!

An enormously fat, pimpled, laughing Gothic mother of forty who bore an uncanny resemblance to this picture ((http://hitchhikernet.com/forum/show...p=2047#post2047) entered the store followed by her two Gothic children.

One was equally fat and disgusting, while the other was anorexically thin and pale.

For whatever reason, they reminded me of a Gothic Three Bears.

This thought association might have been triggered by either the hairiness, horrendous smell, or the dyspeptic conduct of the trio. I’m not sure.

The party followed their leader, the mother, an evil witches’ laughter resounding throughout the market. (Since all witches have to snicker in a menacing manner to scare all neighboring bystanders)

As they were inspecting which greasy, oily chips to gorge on during their upcoming Black Sabbath, something odd occurred.

While the younger, fat Goth lovingly caressed a bag of Doritos Extra Cheesy, the lean, pale one started smacking her mother’s ass.

Soon, the two were locking lips and groping, fondling each other on the breasts, hips, and inner thighs.

Then, the other sister joined in. Along with her bag of Doritos chips.

The other store patrons started throwing up.

The witches continued dry humping.

Onlookers started whispering in harsh, recriminating tones.

One of the witches slipped her hand inside the mother’s pants. The latter’s hairy, corpulent, wart-infested roll of fat was revealed and jiggled, literally jiggled with pleasure as she emitted a high-pitched screech of pleasure.

Half the store's customers and several employees rushed to the bathroom at this point. The pale witch started licking her sister’s breasts.

Having seen enough atrocities to fill my next six months’ worth of nightmares, I headed out.
Bearing an eye for detail, I had earlier spotted their car, a dusty Ford from the middle of the seventies.

I took several bumper stickers from my pocket and applied them to the automobile.

Accompanied by several protruding middle fingers in each case, the text stated

"I smoke pot and cocaine. It’s a free country."

"I kill cops on my days off."

"Honk if you see this."

"I drive over the speed limit for the adrenaline rush."

I then left without buying the necessary comestibles.

Once home, I was greeted by both parents. They were smiling, excited to have me back, and eager to hear my impressions of the university and the surrounding region.

Calm, patient faces.

I explain, "You won’t believe the shit I saw on my trip back here…."

This Idiot Parade Must Stop

2005-06-02T05:04:00.000-07:00

While my father was selecting a modern physics textbook for me to study, he noticed a strange title in the corner.

Upon closer inspection, he discovered the book was approximately named "Physics without Gender". Peering inside, he read courageous lines about the malicious, sexicist inclination of classical Newtonian physics. However, this title, the author boldly stated, would do away with gender in physics.

Startlingly enough, the book was written by a man, a professor of physics at the California University of Hayward.

For those who don't understand the humor, this is akin to being a teacher of molecular biology to a kindergarten class of crack babies.

Several weeks ago, my father had read a story about a New York University feminist professor who proclaimed that Newton's ideas regarding physics encouraged men to violently rape and humiliate women.

This has to stop.

I'm partial towards death sentences at this stage.

One Other Bum I would Donate Money To

2005-05-31T06:58:00.000-07:00

The Purpose of Blogs

2005-05-28T09:32:00.000-07:00

My goal in updating this blog is to provide cheap entertainment for the slim readership the site has.

Why don't I create a blog bemoaning the fact that my parents didn't buy me a pony? Or an Internet-speak account of the time I took a shit and called my girlfriend? The type of blog that millions have polluted the fucking Internet with?

Example:

"lol wat u 1337en LMAO! hee hee john called, i luv himm?!!!

lol jk bye...

PrincessGirlJessBabey256"

Of course, this is an exaggeration; typically, the blog is less to the point, has an ugly background giving me optical siezures, a shitty song playing, and random text jumbled together without a single goddamn "Enter" button pressed to seperate the crap.

My example represents the very best of this style of blog.

Let's be honest; the overwhelming majority of individuals living on this Earth, myself included, lead trite and hideously monotonous daily existences.

The typical day in such a life is an insult to the infinitesimal bandwidth required to record it, let alone the readers' lives that it wastes.

Therefore, I will never, ever record such trivial, meaningless details.

I will leave this to the millions of sexually repressed, retarded, Gothic, fucked up, fugly, sexually deviant, molested, abused, animal raped, and otherwise screwed up girls, boys, Catholic priests, politicians, and hideous monsters that pollute Internet blogs and make the worthwhile reading damn near impossible to find.

And goddamn it, someone intelligent post comments for a change.

The Only Homeless Bum I would Give Money To

2005-05-26T22:00:00.000-07:00

Wow, this is Too Much

2005-05-25T14:20:00.000-07:00

http://www.big-boys.com/articles/japtalentshow.html

Life Sized Dominatrix Teddy Bear

2005-05-25T14:13:00.000-07:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20050524/od_nm/swiss_hardcoreteddy_dc

This should be the official mascot of San Francisco.

ZURICH (Reuters) - A giant dominatrix teddy bear wearing a leather mask and brandishing hand-cuffs has been banned from sober Zurich's street display of man-sized model bears, the project's artistic director said Tuesday. While tourists pose for snaps next to a brightly-painted and benign array of models such as the "schoolteacher bear" and the "skier bear," "Baervers" -- a pun on the German for perverse -- has been deemed too steamy for the financial capital's streets.

"This bear is perverse, dominatrix and hardcore. We had to ban it because of the children," Beat Seeberger-Quin, the project's art director, told Reuters.

The offending bear, which sports bright red lipstick, a corset and thigh-length leather boots, stands atop a pedestal bearing the words "first class service."

Some 600 teddies, variously decorated by artists, stud the streets of Zurich and its airport in the "Teddy-Summer" project.

The controversial model had been allocated a place near Zurich's Paradeplatz, home to Switzerland's top banks such as Credit Suisse and UBS, before Seeberger-Quin spotted the final design and decided to ban it.

The dominatrix bear's creators now seek a private home for their sadomasochist teddy. At least "Baervers" will not face the same hazards as his publicly-displayed peers, some of which have been vandalized or even kidnapped.

"Two or three of the bears have been splashed with paint, and one bear -- a nice small bear wearing a little dress -- has been stolen," Seeberger-Quin said.

High School Graduation

2005-05-23T22:02:00.000-07:00

A few months ago, I graduated from high school. I abhor the concept, having already “become deathly ill” during junior high school festivities.

However, the situation was not so simple this time around; if I didn’t go, my mother would bitch and mope for the next four months.

My father, conversely, was partial towards my position; after all, he had skipped his high school graduation.

At that point, I considered what a lazy, good-for-nothing, dependant individual I was/am.

I attended.

Of course, this didn’t involve following proper decorum and protocol. On “the big day”, I was the very last graduate there, arriving eighty minutes late.

In a half-serious, half-jocular manner two administrators interrogated me, "Almost thought you wouldn’t make it. Where were you?"

I had prepared for this.

In a tremulous voice, gasping for air, I replied,

"My grandmother was admitted into the emergency room earlier today with acute chest pains. The situation seems serious."

I lied.

Suddenly, the malicious sneer of Mr. Admin transformed into the gaping, wide-eyed, dilated-pupils expression I loved observing. After offering me his sincere, heartfelt condolences and further accompaniment, I passed him.

In the graduate’s reception room, I marveled for the millionth and last time how these Neanderthal apes avoided soiling themselves on a daily basis.

A Russian girl named Maria, soon to enter Chicago U., was explaining her special secret to everyone within earshot for the third cycle;

"You see, there’s a…. you know…. emotional stability difference between a lesbian and a bisexual like myself. I’m more out on my own, taking my chances… lesbians have a better support base…. it’s tough"

No male, female, cat, or dog would fuck her with a ten-foot pole, so this was her method of attracting attention. She should have come equipped with twenty shots of tequila instead.

I would vote her "Most Likely to Rape a Male Quadriplegic."

Then, we walked out. "Pomp and Circumstance" was being played. I didn’t see the administrators.

I ignored the faculty.

All I saw were the parents, friends, and relatives in the bleachers standing and cheering.

The event was overwhelming for me.

Too much.

I hated all of them. I hated them with a violent passion. Could they not see through the bogus sham that this was? What was the meaning? What was the point? The graduates were no different than they had been several minutes prior. Was the donning of a goofy hat and black cape a magical transformation into a well-adjusted, sophisticated, successful adult? Would new underwear have accomplished the trick just as well?

Did these parents desperately thirst for this petty illusion so they could obscure, no, forget their children’s ridiculous shortcomings, failures, and petty mean-spiritedness?

Do they lack independence? Are they so many sheep that the sugar coated, syrupy, hollow words of rich bastards constitute the necessary vindication for their lives and souls?

Where were the people that would have laughed at this ceremony? Not given it a second thought?

Realized that it was an element of a child’s world, not the adult realm graduates and parents alike should be living in??

Suddenly, I realized what was going on. In a few short months, these diaper-clad graduates would permanently leave their elders. The parents desperately needed something to hold on to, something to believe in.

The ceremony constituted their avenue of escape from cold, hard reality, their drug. This way, they could believe that their son/daughter was different, changed for the better, a success.

Even when everything else indicated otherwise.

Is the world truly so bleak and boring? Do people suck this much?

Holy fuck…

Overcoming the apex of my religious zeal, I noticed the valedictorian’s speech was beginning. The individual was an anti-intellectual, bug-eyed hysteric who liked to perform stoner impressions at lunchtime.

The speech consisted of anecdotes about nose picking, heroin, and performing cartwheels at night. (At least it was personal experience) They laughed.

I sat there, with the same grim, metallic, hard-faced, menacing expression. I couldn’t see my father in the stands. I knew he wore the same look.

Instead, I saw the huge families of Chinese, whites, but especially Indians.

The latter group got to me.

I had brought along three family members for the event. The average white or Chinese/Japanese/Korean graduate brought between five and seven.

The Indians brought upwards of fifteen.

I saw them, the foul-smelling eighty year-old who spit when he talked, the middle aged harpy hag that had escaped extermination by Jason and the Argonauts, the disobedient, mind-bendingly stupid and fugly little shits that were their children and grandchildren.

The vermilion marks painted by Americanized Indian women in a superficial, last-ditch attempt at reuniting with the culture they had long since abandoned…..

Holy fuck…

Next was the speech by the director of the school, who was stepping down.

Everyone hated her. She was responsible for the resignation of the most loved, well-respected teachers in the history of the school, including my favorite teacher ever.

She had taken $90,000 out of the student budget to buy a fourth Ferrari. Thanks to this kind and selfless gesture, students were perpetually left without any beverages during lunchtime.

The speech lasted an entire half-hour, while everyone suffered under the stifling, scorching, humid weather.

She cried.

She spoke about her love for all the students. How she wished them the best.

She talked about living the rest of her life in a deeply remote location. There were several Henry David Thoreau references.

As it turned out, this "wilderness in the middle of nowhere" was a beautiful, luxurious house in the most upscale section of Carmel, California. The same house costs more there than it would in the most exclusive sections of Hollywood.

She talked about kissing the ground, being at one with nature.

My father laughed, remarking that " ‘kissing the ground’ is a metaphor in Russian and English for being killed".

I certainly wished her dream comes true.

We then observed the Indian Amit, graduating president of NHS, lighting the "Lamp of Knowledge". Of course, before this, he said,

"I’d like to say that the class of 2005 is the sexiest one yet!! Holla!!!!"

It’s a shame they haven’t created the "Armchair of Homicide" for this hip club DJ yet.
Then, graduates received their diplomas.

I was shocked. The hottest, kindest, most interesting girls received faint applause, even the
Indian ones with dozens of relatives.

The ugliest, most shallow, cum-guzzlers received mad plaudits.

I received a warm ovation. This frightened me.

Amit was granted an emperor’s entrance, a deafening roar.

Holy fuck…

When the hell finally ended, it was time for the keynote speaker.

I had been to graduation last year. That year’s speaker was a lesbian feminist defense attorney who talked about the awful discrimination women face.

Her speech was almost as long and monotonous as the torture I had just been subjugated to.

I rationally expected to hear about racial discrimination or sexual preference-oriented discrimination this year.
I casually joked with a friend right next to me about him not showing up.

The subsequent individual and his speech shocked me.

It was good.

Damn good.

The man was a former CEO of Atari.

He gave wonderful, completely accurate advice. His speech had more content than the hundreds of hours of administrator talks I had heard from kindergarten to twelfth grade.

It barely lasted five minutes. Incredibly easy to follow, witty, short, insightful.

There are more interesting people in this world than I had originally anticipated. Time to forget about the laughable, menial high school world and focus on larger, better things.

The Man Who Wanted to Know Everything

2005-05-22T18:57:00.000-07:00

I walked in silence under the billowing trees, feeling the cool winter air against my face. I was making my weekly sojourn to the middle school to teach an after-school club, and wondering what the hell to teach once there, having no clue then. I felt the soft grass beneath my shoes, not a soul within fifty feet of me, and knew this was the most relaxation afforded to me for the next two hours. My intention was to arrive a little early and conjure up a random lesson.

I walked up to the middle school building and opened the door.

The relaxed silence of the interior was invigorating, evoking a deep sense of peace. I sat down on one of the couches, and started pensively munching on an apple. One could almost fall asleep here……

"Excuse ME! MAY I help you??!!" a strange, loud, square-shaped head addressed me, having
just recently popped out of one of the middle school classrooms.

At first glance, it looked like a clown on vacation from work.

Waking up slightly, I realized it was actually a teacher.

"No."

At this, the man became confused, clearly expecting a "yes.". His stupid grin disappeared, and he looked perplexed. Clown school had not taught him how to handle these types of situations. He went back inside the classroom.

Ah yes, I can finally continue enjoying myself…

Ten seconds later, he comes back out, having finally arrived at the next idiotic question;

"Are you looking for a student or a locker?"

Let’s see dumbass; I’m sitting on a couch, trying to fall asleep, and have already answered no once.

"No." Maybe he is hard of hearing.

The man is further perplexed, and decides it is time to unload the heavy artillery.

"What are you here for??"

"I teach a club here."

The man suddenly springs back half a step, his eyes widen, and he makes eye contact with me.
Had I said, "I molest little children", he would have been less surprised.

"….Uh…..Hmmm…… You know, the club only starts in about four minutes or so. You can wait here in the meanwhile." giving me a knowing, generous glance.

Thank you Detective Dipshit, for stating what I already know and suggesting an activity I am presently engaged in.

Meanwhile, he has started shaking his head up and down in a maniac nod, one of Binky the
Clown’s hallmarks.

I nod my head slowly back at him. Knowingly.

It’s best to humor the mentally unstable.

Original Writing will be Posted Tomorrow

2005-05-21T23:41:00.000-07:00

Suffice to say that it vastly exceeds the filler content I have been posting for the past couple of months.

Homosexual Israelis Thirst for Sex with Arabs

2005-05-20T17:39:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else notice that real news stories are becoming more and more ridiculous?

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Two gay Israeli men have installed a huge double bed in a New York art gallery and are inviting Arab men to become their "lover" as part of an exhibition called "Sleeping with the Enemy."

But the artists who like to be known simply as Gil and Moti talk about the project in romantic terms, saying it's about "falling in love" rather than sex.

"The bed is there for us to live in. Artistically there are three pillows to symbolise unity of three people which goes along with the whole concept of make love not war," he said.

The sales pitch for the show in which the two live and work in the gallery surrounded by their art reads: "Israeli artists Gil and Moti are gay, married and in love. For 5 weeks, they court an Arab lover."

Since late 2002 they have made contact online with as many as 300 Arab men from across the Middle East. They typically send a message through a dating site asking if they can paint a picture from the man's photo and explaining who they are.

They then scan and e-mail the painting as a means of "seduction" and hopefully start a dialogue and meet, Gil said.

The gallery called Jack the Pelican, in Brooklyn, is displaying over 100 of the watercolours, priced at $700-$900, along with some transcripts of e-mail exchanges, photos and oil paintings and the bed.

"We felt frustrated with the political situation in the Middle East," said Gil. "As Israelis, we grew up with Arabs but we were encouraged by the education system to hate and abuse them so we thought we must do something about it."

"So we decided to fall in love with one of them."

The Most Boring News Story Ever.... Until the Last Sentence.

2005-05-19T16:44:00.000-07:00

MOSCOW (Reuters) - A Russian village was left baffled Thursday after its lake disappeared overnight.

NTV television showed pictures of a giant muddy hole bathed in summer sun, while fishermen from the village of Bolotnikovo looked on disconsolately.

"It is very dangerous. If a person had been in this disaster, he would have had almost no chance of survival. The trees flew downwards, under the ground," said Dmitry Zaitsev, a local

Emergencies Ministry official interviewed by the channel.

Officials in Nizhegorodskaya region, on the Volga river east of Moscow, said water in the lake might have been sucked down into an underground water-course or cave system, but some villagers had more sinister explanations.

"I am thinking, well, America has finally got to us," said one old woman, as she sat on the ground outside her house.

Attack of the Freaks!!!

2005-05-18T14:46:00.000-07:00

Evil Demon "Popo Bawa" Rapes Men

2005-05-16T22:31:00.000-07:00

CHAKE CHAKE, Tanzania (Reuters) -

Mohammed Juma starts to sweat and fidget as he recalls his rape by Popo Bawa, the most feared spirit-monster of the Zanzibar spice islands.

"We believe reading the Koran is our only defence, nothing else," says the 41-year-old driver and father of four. "But Popo Bawa is real, and well prepared."

Holidaymakers on the Indian Ocean islands tend to smile dismissively at accounts in guidebooks of the bat-like ogre said to prey on men, women and children. But for superstitious Zanzibaris a visit from the sodomising gremlin is no joke.

Although no one ever has seen it, belief in the monster and his unnatural lust is so strong that entire villages will sleep out of doors for protection: Popo Bawa (Swahili for Bat's Wing) prefers to attack behind closed doors at night.

In huts set amid rustling groves of jackfruit and mangoes on Zanzibar's Pemba island, victims told Reuters in interviews that they detected a bad smell, became cold and went into a trance in the moments before they felt the creature's inhuman strength.

Some attacks were heralded by the sound of giant wings and claws rattling and scraping on huts' tin roofs. Others cringed in terror at what sounded like a car engine ticking over.

"We heard a rustling on the roof," recalls Asha Saleh, in her late 50s, in Machomanne village near Pemba's main town of Chake Chake. "I felt someone fondling me. I felt very cold. I felt weak," she said, recalling the attack some 35 years ago.

"I couldn't call out for help to my husband who was lying asleep beside me. Popo Bawa is strong: He really presses down on you. And it took such a long time: One hour! Eventually I lost consciousness. And I was one of many who were attacked."

Many on the islands are adept at exorcisms, placing charms at the base of fig trees or sacrificing goats to avert evil or draw favour from the spirit world.

But no placatory offering or witch doctor can deflect Popo Bawa when he has made his mind up to strike, islanders say.

The monster favours Pemba, the poorer and more backward of the archipelago's twin islands despite being home to the clove plantations that provide the mainstay of Zanzibar's economy.

He also becomes active at election time: a habit that is testing nerves ahead of polls due in October.

His last major visitation was during elections in 1995, when Juma says he endured his terrifying ordeal, although some reported his presence again in 2000 and in 2001.

But Juma says Popo Bawa is apolitical even though electoral emotions seem to summon him from the beyond. "He can strike even if the opposition wins the elections," he said.

"Many were afraid and were sleeping outside. But I was confident and was alone in my room. I was reading the Koran for protection. After about 20 minutes I started feeling sleepy. I heard something falling on the roof. I continued reciting. I started feeling something in the room.

"I felt my mouth becoming bigger and bigger. I started losing my ability to form words. My feeling was that my lower lip had stretched to my lap. I felt weak in my body. I became very sweaty. My experience was like that of a neighbour of mine who said his head seemed to grow to an enormous size."

Popo Bawa gets annoyed if villagers deny his existence -- a fact to which Khamis Juma Hamad says he can testify.

Hamad, a retired village chief now aged 75, said that in 1971 Popo Bawa spoke to terrified villagers on Pemba through a girl possessed by the monster.

"I am Popo Bawa," said the girl, called Fatuma, speaking in the unnaturally deep voice of a man.

"You have challenged my existence so I have come to prove I am here."

Seconds later, he says, the villagers heard the sound of a car revving and a rustle on a nearby roof -- signs of Popo Bawa. "The people felt cold, almost paralysed. They were terrified."

Wife Sues Husband over His Weak Sexual Organ

2005-05-15T22:16:00.000-07:00

ROME (Reuters) - An impotent Italian man who kept his problem a secret from his wife until after their wedding must pay her damages for 'eroding' her right to have a family, Italy's Supreme Court has ruled.

The woman, identified by the Italian media as Cristina S., was quick to get her marriage annulled in the 1990s after learning to her horror that her husband could not consummate it.

She then demanded damages, saying she had been robbed of her "right to sexuality" and the promise of a family. Despite losing legal battles in lower courts, she kept appealing, and finally the Supreme Court found in her favor.

"Her fundamental right (was) eroded to fully realize a family, as a woman and a wife, and eventually as a mother," according to excerpts from the court ruling published in Italian newspapers Thursday.

An Alcoholic Joke by a German leader

2005-05-14T13:03:00.000-07:00

BERLIN (Reuters) - The deputy leader of the German state of Bremen resigned after pouring sparkling wine over the head of a homeless man in an apparent joke that went wrong.

Peter Gloystein of the center-right Christian Democrats was caught on camera pouring a magnum of the wine over the head of stunned Bremen local Udo Oelschlaeger at the launch of German wine week Wednesday evening.

Oelschlaeger was standing next to the podium at the public, open-air event from where Gloystein poured the wine.

Gloystein, Bremen state economy and culture senator, said late Thursday he deeply regretted the incident and apologized to his victim. He said he had "misinterpreted" the situation but did not explain what he meant.

"I had a long and intensive talk with Mr Oelschlaeger the same evening. He explained his difficult life. We departed on friendly terms ... If possible, I would like to help out Mr Oelschlaeger," Gloystein said in a statement.

A Bremen culture ministry spokesman confirmed Gloystein had resigned from his various posts.

Girls

2005-05-12T21:47:00.000-07:00

Aren't these angelic creatures cute and sexy?

Don't their beautiful, perfect, undulating figures and soft, delicate, Oriental features quicken your respiration and heartbeat?

If so, you are a degenerate, perverted individual.

They're all transexuals.

STDs among Penguins....... At SAN FRANCISCO Zoo

2005-05-10T14:21:00.000-07:00

During one night last year, zookeepers celebrated in the classical San Francisco tradition.

At the end of it, they felt amorous. Unfortunately, holding orgies with trannies, homosexuals, and dogs had already lost its novelty and appeal in San Francisco.

What to do?

Several pounds of marijuana later, they decided on a plan:

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - A mysterious outbreak of chlamydia, a bacterial infection which humans pass to each other through sex, has killed a dozen penguins at the San Francisco Zoo, a zoo spokeswoman said on Friday.

The illness turned the zoo's Magellanic penguin colony into a disease hot spot, sparking fatal respiratory distress and kidney failure that struck down 12 of the birds.

The outbreak was the second Penguin Island mystery to stump zoo officials in recent years.

Hostage Exchanged for Pizzas

2005-05-09T10:11:00.000-07:00

SYDNEY, Australia - Officials bought 15 pizzas to secure the release of a guard who had been held for 42 hours by inmates at an Australian top-security prison, police said Monday.

Twenty prisoners were involved in the standoff, which began Saturday when inmates occupied part of Risdon Prison on the southern island state of Tasmania, complaining about conditions in the aging institution and taking guard Ken Hannah hostage.

Hannah finally was released late Sunday night after authorities caved in to demands for pizza.

"The final sticking point with the inmates was that they were requiring pizzas to be delivered," said senior prisons official Graeme Barber.

"We had held off in relation to that — we obviously wanted the release of our staff member," he added. "Our staff member was negotiated out by the delivery of 15 pizzas."

The last prisoner involved in the siege gave himself up Monday. No one was injured.

The article states that the police "held off in relation to that (delivering the pizza)". Fifteen pizzas were a difficult concession to make in exchange for a life.

For the police force, one can conclude that pizzas are the Australian equivalent of donuts.

Kangaroo freaks.

Legendary Italian Mafia Chiefs Extort Three Doctors.... For Viagra and Cialis prescriptions.

2005-05-06T10:45:00.000-07:00

I knew that the Italian Mafia was in a state of decadence, but I didn't expect this level of impotence;

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20050506/od_nm/crime_viagra_dc

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Three New York doctors were charged on Thursday with giving large amounts of Viagra and other anti-impotence drugs to mob members in return for construction and auto repair work done by mafia-controlled businesses.

Arlen Fleisher, Stephen Klass and George Shapiro, all doctors in Westchester County, a suburban area north of New York City, were accused of trading prescription drugs and drug samples with members and associates of the Gambino crime family. The one-count complaint was filed in Manhattan federal court.

In addition to Viagra, the doctors are accused of giving out Cialis, Levitra and other prescription drugs. According to court papers, Gambino members used the drugs and also gave them to others.

In one instance, a high-ranking member of the Gambino crime family asked Klass to get him the cholesterol-lowering drug Lipitor for his barber, court papers said.

Robert Wolf, one of the lawyers representing Fleisher, said it is an accepted practice among doctors to give patients samples.

"This is a message to the medical profession. Don't treat Italians," he told reporters. "This is rampant and accepted in the medical profession, unless your patient is Italian."

Man Offers Steak for Sex

2005-04-29T16:25:00.000-07:00

WOONSOCKET, R.I. - He didn't have any money. But police say that didn't stop Wayne Glaude, 22, from soliciting sex from an undercover officer Thursday night. Instead, police said, he offered steak.

Glaude, who works at a meat company, tried to strike a deal with the undercover officer, according to Detective Capt. Luke Gallant.

"He didn't have any money, and had a couple of nice T-bones sitting at home," Gallant said.

Glaude, of Woonsocket, was arrested and pleaded innocent Friday in Providence District Court to a count of soliciting from a motor vehicle. He was released on personal recognizance.
Gallant said Woonsocket police had never had a case like it.

"I can honestly say it's the first time," he said.

Religious Group Fails to Arrange a Face-to-Face Meeting with Jesus Christ; Women Sue

2005-04-28T11:22:00.000-07:00

SALT LAKE CITY -

Two women claim they were bilked out of their life savings by an apocalyptic religious group that promised them land and a face-to-face meeting with Jesus Christ.

Kaziah Hancock and Cindy Stewart earlier won their lawsuit against Jim Harmston and The True and Living Church of Jesus Christ of Saints of The Last Days in a district court, but it was thrown out by a judge.

They appealed to the Utah Court of Appeals on Tuesday.

In the appeal, the women's attorney, Don Redd, argued Harmston and the church should not be allowed to create a "religious cocoon" to protect themselves.

Harmston's attorney, Kevin Bond, said the promises were not to be fulfilled by Harmston, but by God, and that a ruling in the women's' favor would set a precedent for excommunicated church members of any faith to seek repayment of tithing.

The women first sued in 2002, when a jury awarded them $300,000. However, a judge ruled that the damages were unfair, and Redd refiled the lawsuit. A judge then dismissed three of five claims, prompting the appeal and a separate district court lawsuit.

The church — founded in 1994 by Harmston after his excommunication from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints — preaches the practice of polygamy as one of its tenets. It made news in 2002 after posting a Web site declaration that the end of the world was at hand and only church members would survive.

Harvard Librarian's Assistant Discriminated Against Because of Her Hot, Sexy Looks

2005-04-06T03:17:00.000-07:00

What amazes me still further is that she was allowed to retain her job.

BOSTON - Harvard University did not discriminate against a library assistant who claimed she was repeatedly turned down for promotions because school officials saw her as "a pretty girl" whose attire was too "sexy," a federal jury found Monday.

Desiree Goodwin, who is black, also claimed that Harvard passed her over because of her race and gender. She had been seeking damages for emotional distress and lost wages.

"One of my friends said to me, no matter how it turns out, standing up for yourself is a victory in itself," Goodwin said after the verdict.

Harvard spokesman Joe Wrinn said the university was pleased with the ruling.

"Employment at Harvard is based on the specific work skills and work history applicants bring to specific jobs," he said. "We have always believed that to be the case and today the jury has agreed."

Goodwin, who has worked as a library assistant at Harvard since 1994, claimed in the lawsuit that she had been rejected for seven promotions at the library since 1999.

She said she was shocked when, in late 2001, her supervisor told her she would never be promoted at Harvard. In court documents, Goodwin said her supervisor told her she was "a joke" at the university's main library, where she "was seen merely as a pretty girl who wore sexy outfits, low cut blouses, and tight pants."

But Harvard attorney Richard Riley said Goodwin's supervisors encouraged her, helped her with her resume and recommended her for other positions. For each job she applied for, Harvard received applications from dozens of other qualified applicants from across the country, he said.
Goodwin's claims were dismissed by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission and the Massachusetts Commission Against Discrimination.

Goodwin, 40, testified earlier in the trial that she overcame a childhood marked by poverty and a chaotic family life to attend Cornell University, Boston College and Simmons College, earning a bachelor's degree and two master's degrees, including one in library science.

She said she has no immediate plans to leave Harvard, although she is looking for library jobs elsewhere.

Man Attempts Robbing Gun Store with Box Cutter to save Schiavo, Unsuccessful

2005-04-01T02:12:00.000-08:00

A man was arrested after trying to steal a weapon from a gun shop with a box cutter so he could "take some action and rescue Terri Schiavo," authorities said.

Michael W. Mitchell, of Rockford, Ill., entered Randall's Firearms Inc. in Seminole just before 6 p.m. Thursday with a box cutter and tried to steal a gun, said Marianne Pasha, a spokeswoman for the Pinellas County Sheriff's Office.

Mitchell, 20, told deputies he wanted to "take some action and rescue Terri Schiavo" after he visited the Pinellas Park hospice where she lives, Pasha said.

Mitchell was in custody at the Pinellas County jail Friday after a judge set his bail at a total of $120,500 for the four charges of armed robbery, grand theft, aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and criminal mischief.

The feeding tube that has kept Schiavo alive for more than a decade was removed March 18 over objections from her parents. Schiavo's husband has said his wife would not want to be kept alive artificially.

Doctors have said she would probably die within a week or two of the tube being pulled.
Randy McKenzie, the owner of Randall's Firearms, said Mitchell pulled out the box cutter and broke the glass on a couple of display cases.

"He told me if I wasn't on Terri's side then I wasn't on God's side, either," McKenzie told The Associated Press.

McKenzie said he then pointed his own gun at Mitchell and ordered him to lie on the ground.

But Mitchell fled out the store's back door before police arrived, he said.

It was not known if he had a lawyer.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2005/03/25/national/a035819S06.DTL&feed=rss.news

Boss Encourages Lesbian Sex with Gorilla

2005-03-28T17:40:00.000-08:00

Women sue over gorilla's breast 'fetish'By MAY WONG Associated Press writer Posted

February 21 2005 WOODSIDE, Calif. --

Two fired caretakers for Koko, the world-famous sign-language-speaking gorilla, have sued their former bosses, claiming they were pressured to expose their breasts as a way of bonding with the 300-pound simian.

Nancy Alperin and Kendra Keller, both of San Francisco, claim they were subjected to sexual discrimination and then wrongfully terminated after reporting health and safety violations at Koko's home in Woodside, an upscale town in the south San Francisco Bay area.

The lawsuit against the Gorilla Foundation and its president, Francine "Penny" Patterson, the longtime trainer of the well-known gorilla, was filed this week in San Mateo County Superior Court.

It seeks damages totaling more than $1 million.Foundation attorney Todd Roberts said the case mischaracterizes the foundation and turns a "purported employment issue" into publicity "hurtful" for a reputable organization.

"We unequivocally deny these allegations and are confident that this case lacks merit," Roberts said.Alperin and Keller were hired last year and were among 16 employees of the foundation, which was founded in 1976 to promote the preservation and study of gorillas. It is best known for Koko, who has mastered a vocabulary of more than 1,000 signs; the foundation says she has advanced further in language than any other non-human.

The suit claims Patterson pressured the two women on several occasions to expose their breasts to Koko, a 33-year-old female -- sometimes in situations where other employees could potentially view their bodies.

The women never undressed, said their attorney, Stephen Sommers of San Francisco.They were threatened that if they "did not indulge Koko's nipple fetish, their employment with the Gorilla Foundation would suffer," the lawsuit alleged.

The lawsuit claims that on one occasion Patterson said, "'Koko, you see my nipples all the time. You are probably bored with my nipples. You need to see new nipples.'"In addition to the alleged harassment, the two former workers claimed the Woodside facility had unsanitary and unsafe conditions, including rodents in the food preparation area and gorilla urine stored in the refrigerator where workers kept their lunches.

They complained to the California Division of Occupational Safety and Health and were fired on Aug. 6, the day after inspectors visited the site and found code violations, according to the lawsuit.The lawsuit also claims the nonprofit failed to pay for overtime and provide rest breaks.

Learning about the Environment

2005-03-28T04:24:00.000-08:00

"E-HE-HA!!!!!!"

The foul sound of a female goat being double penetrated in the ass by horse-cocks woke me up from my mild daze in Environmental Science class.

No, I was mistaken; just another ass-hat with her vile and disruptive laugh.

Over the objections of both my parents and several of my friends, I decided to take an Environmental Science this school year. My rationale was that the teacher is a friendly, reasonable guy, and the course-load is easy.

At this point, I can say that my predictions of both my teacher and the course subject were correct.

However, I failed to take into account another variable.

Namely, the students.

If you were to create a class of the most annoying people in our class, (no, our entire school) it would be better than this, since a few of them might actually be intelligent. Not so with this class.
Moreover, their interactions with each over make them more vile and annoying than they would be otherwise.

A typical lab day;

SR: "Mr.X, I need to go get some plants to put in my eco-project."

Mr.X: "Alright S, then why didn’t you get some yesterday like I told you to for homework?"
With a blank, wide-eyed expression on her face, like someone seeing gold coins dropping from the sky, she replies,

"Ehhhhhh……."

Suddenly, a light bulb flickers on;

SR: "AHA! I have a brilliant idea!" as she runs out of the room.

She-Goat (SG), her partner: "E-HE-HA!!!!"

EM, another one of her partners: "Come back soon S, I have something funny to show you…" as he places a Bunsen burner apparatus on his crotch, creating the hilarious sight of a large "cock".

AC, the president of NHS at our school: "Oh shit…."

KIMaster (me): "Uh A, why did you just lick your shirt??"

AC: "Well you see, my tongue had some crap on it, but I didn’t want to get it off with my fingers, so I just licked my shirt to get it off."

The new Einstein repeats the procedure.

"See?"

Meanwhile, two top-ranked scholastic debaters, both 18-year old Chinese girls, are having a very stimulating intellectual conversation;

G1: "Like OMG, WTF??!! My parents didn’t let me watch a movie last night!!"

G2: "LOL! LOL! No, JK. What movie was it??

G1: " "A Shark’s Tale"!! OMG! I wanted to watch that movie for sooooooo long! But my parents wouldn’t let me! GRrrrrr…."

G2: "Oh yeah, I want to watch that sooo much as well, LOL! Oh, do you know, Bush is a complete faggot??"

G1: "Yeah, obviously; I’m voting for Kerry in these elections."

G2: "LOL yeah! Me too."

(Just for reference, they did in fact say "OMG", and not "Oh my god")

SR comes back, with a clump of plant and soil in her hands, just recently dug up from the ground. She has a huge smile on her face.

SR: "Ha ha, I just took this plant from the school garden, and I’ll use it in my project."

Mr.X: "S, please put that back in the school garden."

SR: "But Mr.X….." she wails in a broken voice.

"Put it back"

SR leaves again.

SG: "E-HE-HA!!! SR is sooo smart! E-HE-HA!!"

KIMaster: "How the fuck is that "smart"?? Not only did she fail to do a simple piece of homework, not only did she kill a plant and wreck a garden, but she also bragged about it so that the teacher found out, and had her put it back anyway. Yeah…. real fucking smart."

SG: "OK Vlad…." she says, the first time I can recall in a few weeks she hasn’t uttered her goat-orgasm…..

SG: "……E-HE-HA!!!!!"

Goddamn it!

I look across the other side of the room, and see two Koreans "pissing" on each other. They have two large pipets filled with water which they hold by their crotches and squeeze in order to spray onto each other. Their sprays at aimed at the other’s private parts. They giggle like little school-girls.

DE: "Holy shit! You got me all over the ass."

KS: "Take that bitch! You got fucking powned!"

DE turns around to reveal a huge wet spot on his ass, with his underwear showing through his soaked pants.

SG: "E-HE-HA!! E-HE-HA!!! E-HE-HA!!!!"

Mr.X: "Alright class, we still have another half-hour to go, continue working, no horse-play."

I must be in hell.

Baking Cookies with a Thank You Letter is a Serious Crime

2005-03-26T20:24:00.000-08:00

A US judge has ordered two teenage girls to pay about $US900 ($1,168) for the distress a neighbour said they caused by giving her home-made cookies adorned with paper hearts.

The Colorado pair were ordered to pay $US871.70 plus $US39 in court costs after neighbour Wanita Renea Young, 49, filed a lawsuit complaining that the unsolicited cookies, left at her house after the girls knocked on her door, had triggered an anxiety attack that sent her to the hospital the next day.

Taylor Ostergaard, then 17, and Lindsey Jo Zellitte, 18, paid the judgment on Thursday after a small claims court ruling by La Plata County Court Judge Doug Walker, a court clerk said on Friday.

The girls baked cookies as a surprise for several of their rural Colorado neighbours on July 31 and dropped off small batches on their porches, accompanied by red or pink paper hearts and the message: "Have a great night."

The Denver Post newspaper reported on Friday that the girls had decided to stay home and bake the cookies rather than go to a dance where there might be cursing and drinking.

It reported that six neighbours wrote thank you letters entered as evidence in the case thanking the girls for the cookies.

Ms Young said she was frightened because the two had knocked on her door at about 10:30pm and run off after leaving the cookies.She went to a hospital emergency room the next day, fearing that she had suffered a heart attack, court records said.The judge awarded Ms Young her medical costs, but did not award punitive damages.

http://www.abc.net.au/news/newsitems/200502/s1296548.htm

Greatest News Stories Ever, Part 1

2005-03-26T04:15:00.000-08:00

Cities and towns across America held parades to honor veterans.

In Whitman, Mass., however, the parade turned tragic when a World War II veteran was killed in an accident.

Witnesses said William Hammond was lining up with fellow veterans at the start of the parade route when a van backed over him.

The van was driven by a close friend of Hammond. He was taken to a hospital to be treated for emotional distress.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6461366/?GT1=5809

The Worst Zombie Film Ever

2005-03-23T10:49:00.000-08:00

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086486/

"Oasis of Zombies"

Not quite sure what type of zombie film to make? Completely confused about how to incorporate zombies into a fresh, original plot and setting??

Are you a complete dumbass??

Make a film about Nazi zombies.

That's right; former Nazi soldiers who come to life fifty years later in an abandoned African oasis.

To distinguish these hardcore creatures from the common, run-of-the-mill zombie, feature them wearing army helmets!

TERRIFYING!

This film consists chiefly of two sequences, repeated over and over again ad naseum:

1. Naked woman has sex.
2. In the middle of the lustful pleasure, evil Nazi zombies start attacking/eating her.

Then, a few minutes later, she escapes with only mild bite marks. Undeterred, she starts having sex again.

I also learned a valuable lesson from this film. Shooting zombies is completely useless. Meanwhile, throwing a cigarette lighter at one Nazizombie will cause all the zombies within a 100 yard radius to burst into flames and die.

Memorable scene: The zombies are a few steps away from the heroes, about to kill them. They are advancing. Scary classical music is playing. The male heroes’ eyes are brimmed with horror. The camera cuts back and forth between the hideous, disfigured visiges of the undead. They are advancing. Closer. And closer. And closer. And…..

……Twenty minutes and much jerky camera motion later, they haven't moved a foot. The hero then throws a lighter and they all die. These are the same undead that outran a truck earlier in the film.

Then again, that truck carried a naked lady in it.

The Ultimate Fighter

2005-03-20T05:44:00.000-08:00

Reality shows are bullshit. Fortunately, I've never had the displeasure of watching most of them.

Those that I have made me wish I had spent the time crashing my head into a wall. Less brain cells would have been lost.

Except, of course, for "The Ultimate Fighter".

Background: Sixteen budding middleweights and light heavyweights fight for a chance to win a contract in the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC). The UFC is an organization featuring fighters from across the globe that engage in mixed martial arts combat inside the famous "Octagon".

All the fighters are divided between two teams, one coached by UFC light heavyweight champion Randy Coutore, and the other by equally celebrated Chuck Lidell. All participants live, eat, and sleep inside the same house.

At the end of the show, two men fight. The loser is eliminated.

What is so entertaining about this show? Usually, it's the fights themselves. Drunk hobos living in the gutters would beat most "Ultimate Fighter" participants. Throwing a punch, executing a basic takedown, or performing anything involving the legs are all foreign concepts to the contestants.

They fight like female drug addicts.

Roars of laughter can be heard whenever my father and I view this program.

Of course, there are exceptions. Diego Sanchez, a middleweight, seems to possess certain basic fighting abilities.

He has fought twice so far. Each fight lasted under a minute. Ringside doctors were concerned both times.

Then again, there is a human element to this drama. Whether it be stealing clothes from team members, punching down the doors of the house in raging hysterics, getting hopelessy wasted, or insulting each other, these guys have it covered.

This show makes up for the $5 I once pitched in for the Chuck Lidell-Tito Ortiz PPV.

Almost.

The Drunk Reviewer

2005-03-20T03:39:00.000-08:00

A week ago, I consumed more than was legal or good for me at a party. Upon arriving home at 1:15 am, I felt bored.

I decided to write Yahoo! movie reviews.

Afterwards, I logged into my alternate accounts to rank the reviews as "helpful". Thanks to this, my expert opinions were the first ones viewers saw when they clicked on "Yahoo! User reviews".

Here's an approximation of what I wrote;

KIMasteronHostage

Comparing "Hostage" to a classic action film like "Die Hard" is like comparing the fighting prowess of Jet Li to that of a six-year old quadriplegic.

Speaking of quadrieplegics, watching the film was about as entertaining as three of them fighting. Or shitting themselves for that matter.

Films this horrid can ruin thirty-year marriages, cause insanity, internal hemorrhaging, and death. Avoid this film like you would prostate cancer.

KIMasteronRobots

Sick perverts.

That is the only description I can offer regarding legally sane adults that watch this film.

Is it the cleverly subtle ass, sex, and shitting jokes that get them off? Is it watching a hairless midget with chopped off breasts pretend to be a sexy she-robot in an animated cartoon?

No one can be certain about perverts.

If you are one of the sick adult fucks reading this, I hope you suffer the fate of Randle McMurphy in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest".

For an entire day, these reviews were on the front page.

Then, they were deleted and I received a stern warning from Yahoo! in one of my e-mail accounts.

Picture Site

2005-03-11T17:23:00.000-08:00

I have created one of the previously mentioned sites, which will henceforth contain any and all funny pictures I come across. Enjoy.

KIMaster Fights McDojo Warrior

2005-03-06T11:13:00.000-08:00

McDojo:

An American dojo where the instructors teach martial arts in an extraordinarily poor manner.

Remember all those cheesy American movies during the 80’s and early 90’s about "American Ninjas", "American Kickboxers", etc.? Some of them were pretty good, most were complete dog-shit, but what’s important to the story was what they inspired; a large number of dojos in various suburban areas where students, usually quite young, study the martial arts.

Unfortunately, like most teaching institutions in the US, the instruction is aimed at satisfying the clientele and giving them a positive opinion of themselves, and not imparting any real skill in the martial arts. Unlike the East, where the students follow and obey the master, the situation is reversed; the master follows and obeys the student.

Then again, "master" is a term I use loosely, because the instructors themselves are usually almost as bad as their students.

On the way to my local Safeway, there is a "Western Studios" dojo, the grand king of McDojos, and a favorite activity of myself and many of my friends was to come by on a Saturday and watch the students practice their mighty kung fu.

Here’s what I would see;

There were about 12 female students, no men, all 12 between the ages of 8-12 inclusive. They were all practicing kicks.

With kicks like that, their opponents wouldn’t even need to hit them.

I would hear numerous exclamations of "Oww!! That hurt!", or "teacher, can I please take a break? My leg really hurts." Not only are the kicks about as fast and powerful as shit coming out of Christopher Reeves’s ass, but the martial artists actually manage to injure themselves in the process. As Pai Mei from Kill Bill Vol.2 would say, "it’s not your enemy that should be scared of your kicks, it’s you who should be scared of your own kicks."

Speaking of Pai Mei, let’s now turn to their brilliant instructor, whose former job was probably side show freak. He resembles a gnome out of a fairy tale. He is about 4 feet 6 inches tall, weighs 400 pounds, is bald, ugly, hairy, and has a beard that extends down to about his waist.
He can just barely move.

His instruction consists of standing against the wall, yawning, and occasionally scratching himself in various places, most notably his crotch. He ogles the girls, with his eyes gazing hungrily at their pre-adolescent bodies. At times, he will take a bite out of his burrito and sip his Coke.

Suffice to say, my friends and I have cracked up with laughter many, many times at this scene.

Now, I’m sure someone will say,

"but KIMaster, what about the male students, those who are strong and athletic and are black belts??"

Well, to this I would reply that McDojos greatly harm their fighting ability, as I would have a much harder time beating someone who, screaming and pouting wildly, would run at me trying to scratch my eyes out, than someone schooled in McDojo combat.

I once had a fight against an Asian male who was a practitioner of McDojo martial arts, a "McDojo warrior". He was about 5’10" and about 125 pounds, which was about average back in tenth grade, when the fight took place.

"Okay, you motherfucker, I’m going to fucking beat the shit out of you!! I have a black belt from Western studios!!!" he let out with a lusty roar.

I almost couldn’t believe it at first; this guy really wanted to fight me?? Not taking him very seriously, I decided to let him make the first move. He started out by trying to kick me in the legs, but he took a few seconds to wind up, and his technique was awful, allowing me to easily evade all of his attempts. Directly facing me, he put his left leg behind my left leg, evidently trying to push me back and make me fall, a very well-known judo move.

When this move is taught, they usually tell you two things;

Make sure that you are at least as heavy and as strong as your opponent. Get a good, tight grip on the person’s shirt before you seek to push him.

However, seeing as his hands were by his sides, about a foot away from me, and that I was 6’ 4" and 175 pounds, neither of these conditions were met.

I merely stepped forward and pushed him in the chest, causing him to fall backwards onto the asphalt, wincing in pain. At this point, I thought the "fight" was over, and turned to leave. However, my opponent wasn’t done yet. He got up, and let out a primal scream,

"You fucking piece of shit, I’m going to fuck you up so bad!!!!"

He ran towards me, but with his hands down at his sides, I took him by the shirt collar and slapped him with an open hand across the face. (I will only punch an opponent if I take him as a serious match. I don’t want to get in trouble for hurting a guy very badly, and will only do so if I feel he could potentially hurt me.)

After that, I pushed him back again by the shirt collar, and he almost fell down a second time.
However, at that moment, I saw a light flicker in his eyes.

In American martial arts movies, when the protagonist has just been beaten badly by the antagonist, but refuses to give up and then rises up to defeat him, you see the exact same light flicker on during the crucial moment.

So, with the same heart and determination that the Karate Kid showed in defeating his evil adversary, the Asian McDojo warrior made his move.

He delivered a high, swooping round house kick to my left ribs.

Unfortunately, it never made it.

I took a step back and caught his foot, then took several steps back, while raising his foot even higher. When he lost balance and was just starting to fall, I suddenly thrust his leg down and forward, into the rest of his body. I slammed his body to the ground, this time much harder than the first. I then gave him a kick to his kidney region as a farewell, and then left.

When someone tells you that they have a black belt from a McDojo, don’t interpret this as a sign of strength; interpret this as a sign of great weakness.

Updates

2005-03-04T10:20:00.000-08:00

I'll create several new blogger sites in the next week, which will be placed among the links. They will kick ass.

The Lunatic Asylum

2005-02-27T13:44:00.000-08:00

They are everywhere.

There is no escape. No matter what you do, they will find and confront you. Their numbers grow daily.

And on that fateful day, I made a brave assault on their best-fortified stronghold. The cinema.

Did I make it out alive and normal, or was I tortured and eventually converted into one of them?

Would the idiots be too much for me?

I had been sick with the flu for the past two days. Despite this, I was scheduled to spend 4:00 pm to 9:00 pm on Saturday watching a movie and eating dinner at a restaurant.

My attendance there was mandatory.

Was this because I was determined to go out and have fun?

Was it because I really wanted to see the movie?

Was it because I had a hot date for the film?

Here’s the real reason; I would be kicked out of the National Honor Society if I didn’t go.
The event was community service for a school club.

After much cursing, I got into a car to generously help the less fortunate by watching a film with rich, obnoxious bastards and gorging myself at a diner.

Approaching the large, gaudy walls of the cinema, plastered with poster advertisements for films and products, I took a long, deep breath.

Then, in a daring act of bravery, I entered.

Feeling dehydrated and weak, I stood in line to buy some bottled water. Situated in front of me were an enormous American family, a couple and their son, whose cumulative weight was at least 900 pounds. Waiting for the giant hippos to order their seven mega popcorn bags, eight boxes of candy, and dozen super-size Coke drinks, I observed the Dance Dance Revolution battle going on at the nearby arcades.

There was a line of several dozen Asians from school just itching to play next, all against one sophomore girl who dismantled her competition with 200 perfects in a row while simultaneously carrying on a conversation with her girl-friends about Ben Affleck’s sexy ass and Lindsay Lohan’s perky tits.

Yes, I was definitely inside a lunatic asylum.

Once the All-American fatties left, I approached the food stand. Eyeing me was a small, pudgy, brown-skinned woman. She looked Cambodian and bore a mean, disgruntled expression on her face.

KI: "I would like some bottled water."

IllegalAlien: "Haaa naww…. wat yooo wont?"

She stared at me as if I were a retard.

KI: "Bottled water. I want bottled water."

IllegalAlien: "Dis?"

She pointed to a Coca-Cola can.

KI: "No. I want BOTTLED WATER."

I pointed to it.

Her blank, confused face confronted mine for a moment. Then, she finally grabbed the correct beverage and charged me the astronomical price, $4.60 . As I handed over the money, she gave me a haughty look a queen would give her subject. Clearly, her generosity, kindness, and intelligence in dealing with me were commendable.

A sane person, once inside a loony bin, is viewed as crazy by the inmates.

I glanced at my watch and noted that the film was already starting.

No rush.

We were going to watch "Hitch", a movie where Will Smith plays a hip, cool, pimping black guy who teaches fat, retarded, cockless, middle-aged white losers how to bang hot, sexy bitches who wouldn’t give those men the time of day in real life if their lives depended on it.

Films like this make "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0058548/ seem like a masterpiece.

Fifteen minutes later, I still stood in the lobby, the only one from my school left. ‘I’ve probably missed part of the film, but it’s no big deal’, I thought to myself.

I finally entered the screening of the film. How much of the film had I missed exactly?

None.

The previews were still playing.

Suddenly, a deafening roar came from the screen.

"HAW ME BOOTTY LOOKIN????!!"

"ITTTT BBIIIIGGG."

"GAOOOOODDD…"

Queen Latifah is bellowing and burping to the audience about her big ass, and how she likes it that way. Later, she multiplies; there are more and more fatass, disfigured black women screaming in Ebonics about how they need their hair cut and how bad, evil men mistreat them, all in the confines of a single barber shop.

Instead of haircuts, they should get their heads cut. Off.

Better yet, the US military should nuke that entire shop, just to be on the safe side.

More ass jokes and men-hating follows, with the retards of my school squealing with hilarious pleasure each time, like pigs in mud on a hot summer day, only less intelligent.

The omniscient narrator informs us that the producers and directors of both "Barber Shop" films and "Bringing Down the House" were responsible for this gem.

I never would have guessed.

At this point, I shook my head, impressed that the idiot stronghold was even more annoying and stupid than I had ever imagined.

I judged too soon.

Next, I was treated to a Fandango commercial. http://maddox.xmission.com/thx_moron.html
Unlike the commercial Maddox described, this one featured several hand puppets with facial features drawn by an autistic four-year old with two broken crayons. The creatures spoke to each other in incomprehensible babble, with some of them wearing wigs and coconuts.

After feeling a powerful physical sensation of pain, I thanked God for ending the commercial just as I was about to rip my eyes out of their sockets.

The movie finally started, and about twenty or thirty minutes later, I left.

Not only was the movie as awful as expected, but LO sat two seats to my right.

LO is Chinese and the most obvious, unequivocally homosexual person I have ever met. I have absolutely nothing against gays, but this guy is just annoying.

Imagine the most flamboyant, feminine, high-pitched screeching voiced gay you have ever seen, in real life or film, and then multiply that by twenty.

The result would be far more butch than LO.

I have yet to meet any girl, straight, lesbian, or bi, who is more feminine than him.

He made comments during the movie all the time, like this;

"Oh MMYYYYYY GOD…… That guy is SUUCHHHH a LOOZER!!"

"Awwww….. that is SOOOO cayute!!"

"WhaTTT Aaaaaaa NERD!"

I could even hear pants of desire when Will Smith appeared on camera.

More disturbing than this is his laugh. His laugh is an ultra high-pitched half scream that would make a fat opera singer envious. He laughed constantly, whether anything was funny or not. Several times, he had to be calmed down by those sitting around him. The mad cackles of "Aaaaaa HA HA HA!!!!" were as constant as the stupid jokes making fun of bumbling male morons.

However, LO wasn’t even the most annoying spectator in that screening. There was a seventy-year old woman a seat in front of me constantly shaking her body back and forth as if she was humping someone. Believe me, this becomes very disturbing when one sits a foot behind her and attempts to focus one’s vision on a screen. At first, I thought it was Parkinson’s disease, and felt deeply sorry for her. However, she would always stop shaking after a certain period of time. After a while, I noticed the shaking coincided with the music and sound effects of "Hitch".

Dear God, end it now.

Walking out of the screening of "Hitch" to watch a different film, I suddenly realized I’d seen practically everything featured in the theatre.

"Million Dollar Baby"? Yes

"Ong-Bak"? I bought the DVD two years ago. It opened yesterday in theatres.

"Assault on Precinct…."? Yes.

"Hide and Seek"? Unfortunately…. yes.

"Sideways"? Yes

"Phantom of the Opera"? Yes.

The only two films I hadn’t watched were "Meet the Fockers" and "Boogeyman". I’ll have my left ball cut off before I watch another Ben Stiller movie, let alone one about fuckers, so I decided to watch "Boogeyman".

I covertly entered a screening that had started thirty minutes ago.

I stayed for about twenty minutes, waiting for something frightening and bloody to happen. What did I get?

1. Boring flashbacks about the main character’s (we’ll call him Goldilocks) father telling him a scary ghost story.

2. Goldilocks looking around a giant house with wide, dilated pupils and flared nostrils. Piano music is playing in the background.

3. Pseudo-pedophilic discussions between Goldilocks and a girl about how cute and sexy they both were as children.

Just as I was about to leave, something scary was about to happen. Goldilocks got locked inside a closet and ominous music started to play. His body turned around and around like a merry-go-round, his eyes resembling those of a wild, caged, desperate animal.

Alas, after endlessly bumping his head into shit like Courtney Love on crack, the main character easily got out.

The door wasn’t even locked.

Goldy was simply suffering from PMS this whole time.

Horrifying.

At this disturbing development, a bunch of girls several seats behind of me screamed so loudly that my ears started to ooze blood. I was more frightened than I had been at anything in the movie.

Leaving that screening, I felt dejected and hopeless. Suddenly, I remembered something; there was a second screening of "Boogeyman" somewhere in the movie theatre, one that started long ago and was almost over.

Maybe something frightening happens near the end!

I found the screening, and belatedly entered.

For the first time since entering the theatre, I felt genuine anticipation and excitement, like an eight-year old boy opening his presents on Christmas Day.

After watching the last twenty minutes of the movie, I felt like a mugged man that had all his money stolen.

Imagine how bad I would have felt if I had paid for that film.

Walking out of the hall in a foul mood, I heard a high-pitched, whiny voice behind me. Oh God, did LO, the gay Asian, somehow follow me here???

I turned around, and witnessed a monstrosity that would cause the Boogeyman to wet his pants in horror.

I saw a 250 pound fifteen year old boy with flushed red cheeks, oily hair that had never touched shampoo, and a 49ers shirt that hadn’t been washed since the last time San Francisco won a championship. The shirt nicely framed his naked belly button, a navel with what looked like food inside of it.

But the worst part was his breasts.

I’ve seen fatasses with tits before, but never this large. His were a C-cup at LEAST; large, triangular sacks of lard plopping up and down, his tight T-shirt functioning like a bra. Suddenly, Fatass started talking,

"Oh MY GOOODDDD!!! Frank, that was the scariest movie EVER…..I give it TWO THUMBS UP!!!!"

The self-anointed critic demonstrated this with his hands, his tits jiggling like Jello in the process.

I also wanted to raise some fingers at him.

Not my thumbs.

Leaving the scene before I gave him something to truly be scared about, I decided to watch the last twenty minutes of "Hitch".

After doing so, I had a finer appreciation of the type of torture Vietnam veterans suffered at the hands of the VietCong.

Thinking about this for a second, I realized I was exaggerating too much.

The veterans were damn lucky "Hitch" wasn’t made back then, or else the Vietnam War Memorial in DC would be twice as long.

Once outside, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Somehow, through all the pain, I made it.
The idiots hadn’t succeeded.

Then, I saw Mr. RD, one of our chaperones, waddling about as usual.

Maybe not.

RD has the largest ass I have ever seen in my life; I’m 6’ 4" and have a giant head, but my cranium is more than twice as small as a single RD butt-cheek. The material that was supposed to form his brain was accidentally used to build up his ass. I’m thinking of devoting an entire rant to this character, so that explanation will have to suffice for now.

All of a sudden, I saw an amazing sight; my Statistics teacher was walking with a friend to the box office. She was not among the chaperones for our trip, she was just there to have a good time. I exchanged pleasantries with her and asked her what film she was about to watch. She replied, "Phantom of the Opera", and I informed her that it is an excellent film. Nodding her head, she inquired what movie I watched.

"Hitch"

"Did you like it???"

"HilarrrRRRIOUSSSS!!!!"

Mr. RD has just waddled his ass over there, interrupted me, and spit all over himself while displaying his love of the film.

When he left, I answered my teacher;

"No….."Hitch" is the worse movie ever made. Avoid it like the plague!"

After taking my leave of her, I received welcome news; apparently, there were too many people who wanted to eat at the restaurant, so that part of the day’s activities have been canceled. Three hours of community service would be enough for the first semester.

Rescued POWs have been less ecstatic than I was then.

After calling my parents, I still had half an hour left to burn before my mother arrived.
I decided to go back into the movie theatre. I told the employee that I wished to play arcade games and that I have already seen a movie, producing my ticket stub.

He honestly didn’t care.

Once inside among the giant quarter-guzzling machines, I saw two twelve year olds, with hoods, gold chains, and sagging pants acting like thugs. This thug behaviour consisted of roaming around the arcades without playing anything, all while walking "gangsta’ style"; dipping their knees and butts really low to the ground every time they took a step, reminding me of a cripple trying to avoid shitting in his pants as he rushes to the bathroom.

They also talked like "thuggaz"; they kept on saying "fucker" and "shithead" to each other.

Finally, I found the arcade game I was looking for; Tekken 5.

Although I consider myself one of the world’s foremost experts in fighting games, Tekken is my weak spot.

Virtua Fighter? One quarter at the arcade buys me an hour of play.

Mortal Kombat? I can beat the game with any fighter easily.

Street Fighter? I can beat the game with any fighter from start to finish without losing a single
round.

Killer Instinct? I’m the greatest KI gamer to ever live.

Tekken? I once spent three quarters playing Tekken Tag Tournament for about ten minutes five whole years ago. I only won against the first fighter.

Now, the first thing to test with any fighting game is whether button mashing works, such as in "Marvel vs. Capcom". Button mashing consists of repeatedly slamming one’s hand into the controls over and over with as much force as possible. It doesn’t matter which buttons are hit, just as long as you hit most of them and do so quickly and painfully. As I started to do this, I created an incredible racket. The two thugs looked at me with open eyes, and the employee eyed me nervously, thinking I might be trying to break the machine.

Apparently, button mashing doesn’t work. I lost against the second fighter again. I also couldn’t bend the tips of my fingers anymore.

In my second go around, I chose a fighter whose special moves were listed down on the machine, and a few of which were easy to execute.

I won the first fight.

Then, unexpectedly, the second.

Then, the third.

And fourth.

At this point, I was on a roll; I started playing this game ten minutes ago, and I was already deeper than most players will ever be. By then, the two little gangsters had left, and I was alone.

Not for long.

Suddenly, I was surrounded by ten 18-22 year olds who had just finished shooting a rap video.
Eight of these guys were Korean or Vietnamese gangsters; large gold chains, gold earrings on several of them, orange-blond spiked hair, black jeans, large, white, baggy T-shirts. They confronted me with angry, blank stares.

The other two looked like members of the And1 MixTape tour; African-Americans over six feet tall, LeBron/TMac/Iverson sneakers, sagging basketball shorts, Fubu jerseys, Jumping Man headbands, diamond earrings, etc.

They’re all surrounding me. Basketball dude #1 took some objects out of his pocket. One of these was four quarters to play Tekken 5.

The other was a card.

First, he inserted the money.

Then, he inserted the card into a slot on the Tekken 5 arcade machine I hadn’t even noticed before.

Suddenly, I saw a strange character materialize on his side of the screen, one that you can’t normally choose.

As if that weren’t bad enough, the character had a special weapon and the following words written over him;

Wins: 75 Losses: 1

Points: 4592

Weapon: Super Sword

I asked him, "Do you have this game at home?"

"Yeah…"

Holy fucking shit….. I am lost. Not only did I have a mere ten minutes of experience to this guy’s months or years, but he also had some super-character.

We started fighting, and my only goal was not to embarrass myself. As the battle progressed, he repeatedly attacked me with special moves. As my character lay on the ground, I notice he didn’t get up, even after several seconds.

Surprised that I was killed even quicker than first imagined, I checked the health bars of both characters. My fighter still had some left, but he didn’t get up.

I then pressed several buttons.

Not only did my character rise, but he knocked my opponent down with a special move in the process, who was getting closer and closer to my character the whole time.

"It’s HIS STRATEGY!!!! HE DID THAT TO LURE YOU AND THEN ATTACK YOU!!!" one of the Korean gangsters screamed.

I just barely managed to not burst out laughing.

Somehow, I won the first round.

The second round, I suddenly forgot all the special moves of my character. I spent part of the round looking down near my controls, away from the screen, figuring them out. I couldn’t see what was going on.

I won the second round.

At this point, I was surprised as fuck. So too was my opponent. I needed only one more round to win!

He won the third round. I understood then. He was just getting warmed up. Now, I was in for it. RIP KIMaster.

Then, I won the fourth round.

Basketball dude #1 was razzed by all his companions, and went back into the gangsta’ crowd in disappointment. Next up was Asian gangster, who had another card ready.

Wins: 58 Losses: 0

Points: 5389

Another hidden character.

Now, up until now, I had been scoring 30% of my damage through throws and submissions. For some reason, I am always able to endlessly throw my opponent in any fighting game, and this was no exception. However, against the Asian gangster, I was unable to do so, as he used a certain sequence to push my character off.

‘Now’, I thought to myself, ‘I am certainly doomed.’

I beat him all three rounds easily, one round without even being hit. The gangsters oohed and aahhhed at some of my marvelous, pretty combinations, which took away half the opponent’s health. They looked upon me as a true master.

Meanwhile, I was trying to figure out the difference between the two kick buttons and how to block an enemy attack.

The next guy came up, new card in hand.

I beat him.

Then, I beat the next guy.

And the next guy.

Pretty soon, I had beaten all ten challengers. The original basketball dude stepped up to challenge me again.

Then, I observed a new face in the crowd. In some ways, it was welcome.

It wasn’t a gangster’s face. It wasn’t in the 18-22 age range. It was a woman’s face. The face looked extremely pissed off.

That face belonged to my mother. I was supposed to meet her twenty minutes ago outside.

Fortunately, she had a good idea where to find me.

"Sorry guys, have to go." as I left to drive home and receive the bitching I so richly deserved.
The gangsters seemed extremely relieved.

I too was relieved. I had survived the idiot onslaught.

A Deadly Sport

2005-02-25T18:41:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, I have found the new sport for America.

A sport that involves violent and primitive human emotions. A sport featuring legendary feats of strength that mere mortals can only dream of. A sport where powerful warriors from across the globe challenge each other to deadly tournaments and competitions for large cash prizes.

A sport that involves an activity as pleasurable as sex, yet at the same time has killed dozens. A deadly, sadistic sport that leaves many of its once-proud champions as hollow wrecks in a howling, furious, storm.

I am of course talking about professional food eating, and the mighty "food fighters" associated with it.

As with most martial arts, the greatest masters can be found in Japan.

The undisputed champion of the sport is 26-year old Takeru Kobayashi of Japan.
Kobayashi has triumphed four years straight at the July 4 hot-dog contest in New York City, this year breaking his previous record by swallowing 53 and a half frankfurters.

Weighing only 60 kilograms (132 pounds), Kobayashi has astonished gluttons more inclined to binge-eating. Kobayashi also holds records for eating cow brains -- eight kilos (17.7 pounds) in 15 minutes -- and traditional Japanese rice balls at nine kilos (20 pounds) in half an hour.

As David Baer from the International Federation of Competitive Eating said, "Kobayashi is, without a doubt, the greatest eater ever to live upon planet Earth."

Competitive food-eating evolved from primitive human society, where mighty male warriors would match their eating powers against each other in an incredible battle for hierarchy, women, and control over the weak commoners.

The winners were celebrated as gods, become great men, and ruled the pathetic masses as Leviathans. Those who lost were crushed and destroyed, becoming insignificant shadows in the world of men.

All too frequently, the loser would also have his stomach explode or choke to death.

Yet, such were the high stakes in the deadly world of ancient food-eating battles.

Therefore, it was necessary for any prospective warrior to learn the arcane and skillful art of eating just as much as horse-riding and swordplay.

Even in these weak modern times, where so many other martial arts have become diluted and their occult teachings lost, where the instruction is so lax and forgiving, there are still times when aspiring food fighters must pay the ultimate price.

A 14-year-old junior high school student in Japan choked to death in 2002 trying to imitate competitive eating during school lunch, no doubt trying to emulate his great hero Kobayashi, yet falling pitifully short.

On November 6, a 38-year-old woman choked to death after gorging on bread and barley noodles at a local fall festival.

Make way football, basketball, and baseball!! You so-called "athletes" practice stupid stunts that are of no use in the real world, have no firm basis in reality.

You have never calmly stared death in the face, certainly not in the form of 50+ frankfurters or hamburgers.

You don’t know what it feels to taunt death, make a mockery of it, and then, eat it.

(Nice, large boogers)

Badlands Booker - Hungry & Focused

"Top-ranked gurgitator Bandlands Booker has released Hungry & Focused, the first-ever rap album about competitive eating. Hungry & Focused features the hottest tracks on the circuit, including Ballad of Badlands, Sweet Science and All Day Buffet. Hoo-Ahhh!"

The Worst Type of Gamers

2005-02-25T15:02:00.000-08:00

These days, video game addictions are universal.

One would be hard pressed to find a single male from the age of 6-25 that doesn’t overindulge in at least one. And whenever a young man obsesses with this brain-rot, inevitably moronic conversation follows.

Whether this be shameless boasting of Halo 2 stats, moronic Counter-Strike babble, or constant bitching and moaning about breaking the Pacman record at an online arcade, it makes no difference.

The subsequent discussions bring out the most primordial and primitive in people; they are reduced to apes.

"Ooooh oooh aaahhh ahah, CS Halo 2! Ooga Ooga Ooga, PWNED!"

However, as bad as this get sometimes, there is one group of online gamers that loom large in their dominance of annoyance. One before which even the most annoying CS gamer prostrates as before a God, knowing he will never reach that plateau of irritance.

The Warcraft nerds.

Let me introduce the royal cast of Warcraft gamers at my school;

Level 4 Booger-Knight (BN for short):

Some people love sleeping. Others like eating or drinking. BN enjoys picking his nose and eating the boogers.

He constantly engages in this behavior; in class, in the library, during lunch, etc. For him, this activity is similar to the way sex is for most people. There are the short, quick pants of pain and pleasure as his finger is inserted into his orifice.

Then, the low, rythmic moans as the finger goes back and forth. Finally, there is the extreme orgasm of self-pleasure as, with quivering lips, he licks and then swallows the cum…. uhhhhh, I mean boogers!

His reaction to the criticism of others is that of a teenager reacting to a six year old who thinks that girls are "gross". Clearly, these people have never experienced the ecstasy of sex (finger nose fucking).

Level 9 Dinosaur-Alchemist (DA for short)

Ever heard the phrase "Fact is stranger than fiction"?

Perhaps you thought that was bullshit.

In that case, you have never met DA, a senior at my high school.

DA loves three things; dinosaurs, pandas, and sugar. He carries at least three pet dinosaurs with him at all times, and at least six for anything serious. His room is littered with stuffed pandas and dinosaurs, and his xanga is largely a recording of the exploits and interactions of his pet dinosaurs and pandas. Two full pages and 50+ pictures record the epic fight his dinosaur had with his friend’s rubber chicken.

He also steals Pepsis and Cokes from the school cafeteria whenever possible, accumulating a collection of at least fifty in his locker at any one time. Whenever a student wants a cold, sugary drink, he knows where to turn.

Then, there is his behavior. Random shouts of "SUGAR!", "DINOSAURS!", and "PANDAS!!!!" echoing throughout the entire hallway can only mean that DA is around. He plays Rock Paper Scissors with unusual energy for at least an hour every day after school.

There are other games. DA held a competition against a friend to see who could drink more salted water. He also eats sheets of paper and challenges others to try to beat the amount eaten.
Once DA drank 1.0 molar acid during a chemistry experiment.

"I just wanted to see what it would taste like!!" he explained to me.

Then again, there is his speech. He says "I am GAAAWWWDDDDDD!!!" every third sentence, and writes "God was here" on the board of every single classroom he visits. Everything he does is "godly", a well-written test paper is a "god performance". In fact, his speech consists primarily of a few phrases, repeated thousands of times a week;

"It COULD be worse"

"It COULD be better"

"Run AWAAAAYYY!!!!"

"You KILLLLEEEED it!"

"RAWWWRRR!!!!"

"NOOOOOOO!!!!!"

"You IDIOTTTT!!!"

Note: The part in caps is screamed at the top of his lungs.

Level 25 Slut-Sorceress (SS for short)

Think of a hot, busty blonde with super tight jeans that are several sizes too small despite her long, slender legs. This blonde constantly spreads her legs wide in acrobatic positions, with her crotch gaping at anyone nearby, the dominant thing one sees. She looks you straight in the eyes, a seductive smile on her face as she thrusts her crotch several inches in front of her body over and over again.

Now, imagine that hot blonde is transformed into a small, pimple-infested, boy with a bowl hair cut, rashes all over his body, and a nose-picking addiction to rival the Booger-Knight.
But everything about the behavior, body movements, and clothes is the same.

You now have a good mental picture of SS.

Level 2 Wizard Gnome (WG)

In every class, there is the know-it-all who always raises his hand, interrupts you, and demonstrates how smart he is, even when he really isn’t. He is constantly despicable, cowardly, and irritating.

That kid has nothing on WG.

He takes it to a whole new level.

If he doesn’t get the entire classroom, including the teacher, to scream "SHUT UP!!!" as loud as they can, in unison, he has failed for the day. His constant monotonic babble, petty criticism, and overall dumbassery is unrivaled by anyone I have ever met.

These mighty warriors of Warcraft assemble every day after school to stage their legendary and majestic feats of arms. I recount, for the pleasure of the reader, a particularly noble quest;

SS: Come on guyssss…. let’s start the GAAMMEEE!!!! (Legs shoot out to opposite ends, his crotch thrusts forward. He cackles with laughter, his rashes redden)

BN: Ooooh, yeah… I’m going to use the mighty Level 15 Werewolves to attack you DA. Ha ha ha!

DA: You KILLLLLED it!

WG: …Come on now, do you really think that you can get away with that??…. Ha ha, I am the best… you have no chance…. Clearly, everything you do is futile….." (Starts shaking the other gamers’ laptops, dances up and down in his chair, pieces of saliva from his mouth fly in all directions)

BN: Unhhh… Unhhh…. Ahhhh, that is soooo good…. (WG’s saliva has turned him on, he is now nose-picking like a rabbit…)

DA: NOOOOO!!!! You IDIOT!!!! Don’t touch my laptop!! I am GAWWDDD!!! RAWWWRRRR!!!! (DA takes one of his plastic dinosaurs and repeatedly bashes WG in the face with it)

WG: "…. You baboooon…. stop being violent, such behavior is not tolerated at school. Besides, I find your topics of conversation to be boring. I would think up of something better, but I have homework to do…."

DA and SS: "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!"

BN: "Uh..Uh…. Nuhhh…. Ahhhhh…. Ahhhh….. Ohh fuck yes…. Ohhh fuck yes…."

SS: "My level 4 Minotaur pack will obliterate you DA. Ha HAAA!" (Giant crotch thrust after that last word)

DA: "Run AWWWWAAAAAYYYYY!!!!"

WG: "No DA, you can’t run away, my super Dragon-Warriors will find you. Clearly, you have no chance…"

Suddenly, SS tucks his legs under him, then spreads them out slowly so that he is almost doing the splits.

BN is seriously turned on and before he knows it, he blows a huge wad of snot at the other gamers.

DA: "You IDIOTTTT….. Oh well, I guess it could be WORSEEE……" as he sees that the damage is only on the outside of his laptop, and has not gotten on either him or the interior.

WG: "Screw it, I won the game. I’m too good for everyone, even though I spend all day here. I’m going to prepare for Congress and my debate tournament now…."
He leaves.

SS, secretly pleased with the snot that caressed his rashes, (the most action he has ever gotten in his life) reddens even more, until he resembles a giant lobster, and a horny one at that.

He smiles a little smile at BN, tries to make coquettish eyes at him, but the BN is too intoxicated with his post-sex finger nose-fucking high.

DA decides this is a bit too much for him, since he reserves his sexual frustrations for his stuffed dinosaurs. He leaves, but not before he bumps into Jessica, the heroine of my last story.
Jessica strokes her hand through her hair, pushing it back behind her ear.

"Hey….."

DA looks at her for a while, measuring her against his hottest pet dinosaur.

The dinosaur wins.

"RAWWWWR!!!!!!! Run AWAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!"

2005-02-17T21:52:00.000-08:00

The saga begins.